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Who to Root For in the NFL Playoffs, For the Disgruntled Redskins Fan

Because they’re rooting, you see?

It’s January, and we’re on the eve of the opening weekend of the NFL Playoffs, which, for Redskins fans, means we’ll be watching other teams play. Sure, it’s a sad time of the year, but BUCK UP buddy! It’s still football! And we can still concoct really stupid reasons to root for or against certain teams! Here, let me help by presenting to you which teams you should root for in each conference, in order from least to most rootable. This is based on objective research that involves a scientific mix that’s two parts Bitter and one part Fuck You All.

NFC:

6. Philadelphia Eagles. This requires no explanation. The Eagles must never win a Super Bowl trophy, lest we lose our one and only comeback when getting into sports-related arguments with Philly fans.

5. Chicago Bears. I’ve never liked that Bears. I don’t really know why. Maybe cause I used to work with a really obnoxious Bears fan. I told you, this is objective. Also: The Skins beat the shit out of the Bears this season. It’s hard to respect a team after something like that.

4. New Orleans Saints. They’re still cute and all, but they won it last year, so … no.

3. Atlanta Falcons. I’m pretty much neutral on this team. Michael Turner did help me win my fantasy league (isn’t that interesting!?), but I don’t think I can stand hearing Matt Ryan referred to as Matty Ice all postseason.

2. Green Bay Packers. The Favre-less Packers are really easy to root for, and super exciting to watch. They also get bonus rootability points for knocking the Giants out of the playoffs. The Redskins also beat them, but in more of a fluke sorta way, not in a dominant sorta way.

1. Seattle Seahawks. Just for comedy’s sake, mostly. Plus, who doesn’t love a totally undeserving underdog?

AFC:

6. Pittsburgh Steelers. Die.

5. New England Patriots. I hate you all so much.

4. New York Jets. Rex Ryan is fun to laugh at, but we can never root for a team from New York/Jersey.

3. Baltimore Ravens. I hate all four of these teams passionately.

2. Indianapolis Colts. I still enjoy watching Peyton Manning play, but they already got their ring.

1. Kansas City Chiefs. Look at the names of the five teams above. Now look at the name of the team to the left.  I can’t think of one good reason to root for any team in the AFC aside from the Chiefs. They haven’t won in forever, they have an awesome fanbase, and LOOK! Their logo uses Native American imagery, too!

Former Managing Editor at UPROXX; former Senior Editor at @SBNation; former ska-zine editor, fan of bad sports teams and good beer.

17 Comments

17 Comments

  1. Walter Johnson

    January 6, 2011 at 2:28 PM

    Completely agree about the rankings of the 2 PA teams. All other rankings can be debated. I would probably jump off the 14th St Bridge if the eagles ever won, and “fuck the shittsburgh team.”

  2. Dustin Fox

    January 6, 2011 at 2:36 PM

    Oh how easy you forget our two playoff losses in Seattle…Packers should be number one.

  3. JDobs2

    January 6, 2011 at 2:43 PM

    Falcons are lower on my list because of the “Matty Ice” thing and I”m still pretty bitter about the sideline DHall fight from their coach. Sorry… you guys should have won in 1999, but you didn’t, so fail, please. I would simply switch the Falcons and the Bears and leave the Saints in the middle. Other than that, LETS GO SEAHAWKS AND CHIEFS!

  4. JDobs2

    January 6, 2011 at 2:43 PM

    Ooo… Dustin brings up a good point. Screw Seattle.

  5. ben

    January 6, 2011 at 3:18 PM

    They only way I can be truly happy is if somehow they could all lose.

  6. Puttz

    January 6, 2011 at 3:21 PM

    Anyone see the making of the Ovi Sportscenter commercial? He got of the plane to Bristol wearing a Skins hat so Fuck Pittsburgh and Fuck LeBron (cause he would have been wearing a Yankees hat). This is all relevant cause I’m a bitter DC sports fan.

  7. Walter Johnson

    January 6, 2011 at 3:29 PM

    24-7 made me fall in love with Ovechkin all over again… and the Caps are my 4th favorite local team.

  8. He's not Werth it

    January 6, 2011 at 3:35 PM

    Eff the seahawks, remember how annoying they were when some redskin (maybe Phillip Daniels?) called them out for piping in noise which they obviously do? Philly 6, Seattle 5. Go Pack and Cheifs.

  9. Down Bad

    January 6, 2011 at 4:02 PM

    Let’s go Colts and Saints rematch colts will beat da saints for local rap artis DJ Rome search him on YouTube by the name of NORTHHOODSTAR dats all 1 word peace….. JEEAAHHH!!!!!!!!!

  10. soulrebel08

    January 6, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    Kansas City is a filthy place with filthy people, everything else here works just fine. FYI, I’ve been there I speak the truth, just ask Mr. I. himself, I swear he was with me when we drove through that toxic waste dump of a city.

  11. kip

    January 6, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    I think Mottram is dead on with his rankings I think a Seattle KC SB would be Insanity running wild and I would love it.

  12. Jamie Mottram

    January 6, 2011 at 4:57 PM

    Packers-Chiefs

    Also, the “scientific mix” line almost killed me.

  13. Jules

    January 6, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    Atlanta needs to move down to 4 not only because of the “Matty Ice” thing but because I hate Mike Smith. It bothers me that it always looks like he’s wearing makeup. Seattle at 3 because fuck them and I don’t want to have to play a team that was in the SB at their stadium next year. Saints 2, GB 1.

    I’d actually put Colts at 1 for AFC because it’s really hard to hate on Manning and the Colts. Chiefs at 2 and the rest dead on.

  14. pearlbullets

    January 6, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    That’s good hate.

  15. JDP

    January 6, 2011 at 8:18 PM

    Gotta root for Patriots as it would mean NY loses so they are mad for losing but also double mad that Pats win. Gotta root for maximum NY anger.

  16. Terps77

    January 7, 2011 at 12:41 AM

    Fuck the Shittsburgh team. No wonder the Caps are beloved in Baltimore.

  17. Kev29

    January 7, 2011 at 9:58 AM

    I hate the Eagles, Ravens and Steelers with the intensity of 4,000 suns. Mostly the Eagles though. I hate them more than the Cowboys – yep, put that in my review!

    Also, I was in Vegas when the Skins lost to Seattle in the playoffs in ’05. There were Seahawk fans actually talking $hit – SEAHAWK FANS! I didn’t even know they existed, but then again I also think that Seattle is somewhere next to Kamchatka on the Risk map.

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