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Skins Postmortem: ‘We Are The Team Everybody Loves To Hate’

Here with his guest post for predicting the Redskins’ loss at Arizona is frequent guest contributor Michael McElroy (@Mikeyvanili on Twitter).

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Hello fans of the Washington Football Team.

According to Dictionary.com, the word postmortem has two primary definitions:

1. of, relating to, or occurring in the time following death.
2. occurring after the end of something; after the event.

Following the Washington [Redacted]s 2014 NFL season, I prefer to think of this post as the former, not the latter. I don’t have much to say about this season overall other than I never realized that hate and despair could be so interwoven with apathy.

With that being said, here is one sad fan’s attempt to evaluate and make sense of this miserable season:

Players

The Good: Much like every single other NFL team including the Jaguars and the Raiders, we have a handful talented players to build around. Hooray.

Desean Jackson (I never knew I could so love a man I once hated so much), Trent Williams (Pro Bowls don’t lie), Alfred Morris (has at least 1-2 years of running back shelf-life left!), Ryan Kerrigan (J.J. Watt lite!), Keenan Robinson (does a decent London Fletcher impression) and Bashaud Breeland (ignore the penalties, he’s awesome!) are all players who kept fighting even as the season fell apart. Looking forward to spending more time with ’em. Oh, and Tress Fucking Way.

The Bad: Most of the QBs, O-line and secondary … so basically the exact same as last offseason, except now with QBs added to the “problem” list. I like RG3 and feel bad for him because we ruined his promising career by leaving him out there to get injured two years ago, and then hurrying him back, and then forcing him to be a player that he wasn’t. But it’s becoming increasingly likely that RG3 isn’t the solution at QB, which sucks.

Coaching

Here’s the thing. At this point I don’t even care if Jay Gruden gets fired. He seems like a shitty coach and keeps throwing his own players under the bus … OK, fine, just one player, but still. But we’ve had nine head coaches since 1992 Joe Gibbs, including Joe Gibbs! That’s way more than anyone else in the division.

The solution can’t just be to keep firing coaches. But Jay Gruden appears to be a dud. This decision seems like a real lose-lose.

What isn’t a tough call is what to do with Haslett. That man and his zero blitz need to PSGO, OMG GTFO right now LOL.

Management

I thought I kinda liked Bruce Allen in the same way that I always had a soft spot for GMGM and Ernie Grunfeld … until I thought about it and realized I only like him because he’s the guy that replaced Vinny Cerrato. But this franchise has only continued to plunge after Bruce has taken the helm sooooo, yeah. Maybe it’s time to find a new guy to win the offseason, advise the coach on challenges, pick out sock colors and do whatever else it is that our GM is supposed to do, cause he ain’t gettin’ it done.

The Media

Can we talk about this Chris Russell thing for a second? How does that guy have a job? He spends all (not some, alllll) of his time getting offended by his followers on Twitter and blindly defending Jim Haslett to anyone who will listen. That guy was definitely the kid in grade school who reminded the teacher she forgot to assign homework.

Also, Larry Michael remains distantly behind George in the all time rankings of D.C.-area sports personalities with the last name “Michael”. What a tool.

The only silver lining here is how fun it is to picture Chris Cooley 40 years from now, just like Sonny Jurgensen, smoking a cigar and talking about the time he tried to negotiate a case of beer into his contract. Cooley 4 life.

The Bitter Reality

Here’s the cold hard truth. We are the new Cowboys. We are the team that everybody loves to hate. They hate us because of our racist name. They hate us because of our evil owner. They hate us because of the money we misuse. They hate us because we broke one of the league’s future stars. We’re the new trendy team to root against. Except that we’re not even very good, so right now, everyone just mocks our ineptitude. We’re down on the ground, and everyone is laughing at us. It’s a shitty, shitty time to be a Skins fan.

So here’s to hoping that we’ve already hit rock bottom, or that rock bottom at least isn’t very far off. And here’s to those of us who stick with this team until we begin the ascent, whenever that may come.

D.C. sports fan and digital media guy that's been doing this since 2004. Once threw a football further than Chris Cooley.

5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. Sportz Assassin

    December 29, 2014 at 9:08 PM

    “I like RG3 and feel bad for him because we ruined his promising career by leaving him out there to get injured two years ago, and then hurrying him back, and then forcing him to be a player that he wasn’t. But it’s becoming increasingly likely that RG3 isn’t the solution at QB, which sucks.”

    This is how I’ve felt all season long but found difficult to convey to anyone. When someone does chirp off the standard line of RG3 sucks, I remind them (other teams’ fans tend to forget) that he blew out his knee in a playoff game, had zero work with the team yet started Week 1 just nine months later. Just because AP can do it doesn’t mean anyone else can. Then it seems we decided to turn him into a guy that we didn’t draft.

    Living across the river in Cincinnati, Bengals fans warned me of Gruden’s ability. Coaching aside, I really didn’t like the way he continues to slam RG3 publically nor the way he handled the QB situation at all. If Haslett has a job next year, I just don’t understand what kind of pictures he has on Danny Boy.

    Maybe we can swing the draft by trading back with the Rams so they can go after Winston and give us a boatload of picks back … that we can blow on guys that can’t make the team.

  2. RL

    December 30, 2014 at 8:23 AM

    RG3 defenders rejoice!

    Do you know what Cousins stats look like outside of the Jax game?

    Cmp Att Cmp% Yds TD Int Rate
    104 171 60.82% 1460 8 9 80.18

    Now guess who this is….

    Cmp Att Cmp% Yds TD Int Rate
    145 229 63.32% 1657 8 7 86.0125

    Shaun Hill Everyone! Thats right, people are publicly clamoring for a poor mans Shaun Hill. Let also consider that this is Robs first year in this style of offense, and his coach has the aptitude of 4th grader with a learning disability. That said, lets give the guy a chance to you know, develop. Oh, and a competent O-line (outside of Trent) would be helpful.

    And the bitter reality of rock bottom? I laugh at you, because there is not rock bottom, the future is darker than a black steers tookus on a moonless prairie night.

    Unless Rob can turn this around essentially by himself. He is the only one that can save this franchise, so lets all support the guy, because hes our only immediate hope.

  3. Ketel on Rocks

    December 31, 2014 at 10:05 AM

    Well said, RL.

    The clamor to dump RGIII is fine if you think there’s a viable alternative on the table. But there’s no free agent or QB at the #5 pick who has his potential upside. Does anyone really think we should cut bait on RGIII for the likes of Colt McCoy/Kyle Orton/some other stiff?

    BTW – Eagles, Jets, and Bills fans are all salivating at the notion of a trade. Some delusional co-workers in NYC are convinced he’s coming to the Jets and couldn’t be happier.

  4. WGR

    January 2, 2015 at 4:04 PM

    Lets start at the very beginning:

    The man made his money during the ridiculous dot.com era as a mass market telemarketer and latina maids phone calls down in Florida , University of Maryland Spring Break deals.
    This is not high grade stuff. He came out of nowhere Bowie,
    holding the Milstein brother’s coats while they scammed the
    Paris banks to out bid Gibbs and Bonderman of Texas and
    The woe-some John ” poor boy” Cooke. The NFL owners took one look at the Milsteins, and rejected a mind boggling
    (then) 800+ million franchise tag price. Despite the gravy boat number they held their collective noses , rejected the
    Milsteins and enter Zuckerman from NYC with this little
    dufus from Bowie with the helium filled stock price and
    won the bidding war. It is that simple.
    Any cheap beer drunk crazy out in the parking lot with a multi billion dollar French bank standing behind them
    in a wink-wink deal with the loan committee,
    like the Milsteins had could have bought the Washington Redskins paying 200 + million over the anticipated market price .
    The shady affair took weeks of faxes and screaming telephone conference calls while legitimate buyers ( the
    Gibbs group with Bonderman) and the John Cooke group
    stood around with their jaws hanging open watching the
    beloved franchise go straight down the toilet bowl .
    As for the tidal waves of moronic decisions remember my
    operative motto:
    You can take the boy out of Bowie, but you can’t take the Bowie out of the boy

  5. Ketel on Rocks

    January 3, 2015 at 7:25 AM

    Ha. Nice summation WGR.

    What’s funny is at the time I remember everyone thinking we dodged a bullet with the Milsteins. With 20/20 hindsight, I think I’d take my chances with them. How could it possibly be worse?

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