Much Like Canada Itself, Erik Bedard Is an Unstoppable Rebel Force

If I met some sort of effed up, crackhead genie who was only capable of granting me the wish to be any famous Canadian, I’d want to be J.E. Skeets. But if because said genie was an effing crackhead and wasn’t capable of giving me my first choice, I’d have to go with Emmanuelle Chriqui so that I could see myself naked. But alas, if that didn’t work out either — what with the whole sex change and all — then my first choice would definitely be O’s pitcher Erik Bedard.

Bedard the Crazy Retard (Note: This is not meant to insult the mentally handicapped, Erik Bedard, nor Mike Golic, it’s just that we can’t think of anything else that rhymes with “Bedard”) is quite possibly the best pitcher in the American League right now.

Sure, he only has 10 wins (I use “only” loosely, seeing as 10 wins is good), but if you’re the kind of person who basis a pitcher’s worth on their number of wins, then I’d have to assume you’re the kind of person who watches a lot of “1st and 10” on ESPN and participates in discourse with your friends over “who’s most now” (what I’m trying to say is that you’re not smart, see, not sure if I made that clear).

Bedard leads the league in K’s with 175, 31 more than Santana, and could reach the 300 strikeout mark this year. He also has a 1.08 WHIP, a 3.12 ERA, and a community college education. In his last four starts, he’s allowed two runs while striking out 36 batters over 29 innings. On the season, he has eight quality starts with either a no decision or a loss. That shows you how valuable wins is as a statistic.

Not that any of this matters, or anyone cares about Bedard, because we are, afterall, talking about the Orioles here. They haven’t been relevant in a decade, thus making them “irrelevant.” Get it, get it?! I apologize.

That Fitted Is Hot, Son: Inaugural Edition

This may, or may not, become a regular feature on the new Mr. I. As much as Jamie loves fashion, I’m sure you’ll be reading more about clothing and hair care products than you really want to. I, however, enjoy the more “gangster” (or is it “gangsta”) things in life, such as driving to the store when it’s a block away, and playing tennis in basketball shorts.

Even though I’m just that hood, I can’t even get away with rockin’ some of the fitted hats that are in circulation now. I’m not sure where the madness stops, but here are two examples from my favorites teams that clearly cross some sort of imaginary line between bad and horrible taste.

With this example, we have an O’s hat that is inexplicable neon green. You can do a lot of ugly shit with hats, but changing the team colors completely is not allowed. Changing them to anything neon/glow in the dark is worse.

Next, we have a Nats hat that enters a new realm in the world of fitted lids: Combining two different logos into one. Maybe I’m just really white (that’s a big maybe), but I’ve never seen anything like it:

Keep in mind that Jamie has a birthday coming up on September 1, wink, wink.

Oven Cleaner Surprisingly Bad for People

If you ever find yourself contemplating between vinegar or oven cleaner on your fries, go with the former, unless of course you’re trying to kill yourself. In which case, I’d recommend a gun, but that’s neither here nor there.

A couple of fat guys who like their french fries with vinegar, god dammit, found out the hard way what eating oven cleaner is all about at a Hagerstown Suns game in ’03.

“The Hagerstown men claimed they suffered serious, permanent injuries to their mouths, throats and digestive tracts from ingesting sodium hydroxide that a Hagerstown Suns concessions worker poured from an unmarked plastic jug.”

I’m fully aware that concession stand workers aren’t members of Mensa, but they might wanna keep the unmarked cleaning product jugs away from the food. Complicated concept, I know. But hey, at least these two parlayed this into some money. They won their lawsuit over the incident four years after the fact.

Hive Five! to my friend Paul for sending me this story. He doesn’t have a blog because he’s way more successful than I’ll ever be and doesn’t have time for tomfoolery.

Update: Thanks to twoeightnine for pointing out my shortcomings. Apparently this story was already on some site called “With Leather.” Never heard of it. I hadn’t seen it, dicks, so maybe there’s one of two people out there who hadn’t either. Not likely, I know.

My Top 10 Desert Island Albums

Tribe Called Quest OwnsI did this once in college and it took all night, claiming countless brain cells in the process. So when Brahsome came calling for my 10 desert island discs, I made sure to stop short after just five minutes.

Follow the link for the results, which aren’t nearly as hip-hop-laden as the Tribe cover art would lead you to believe.

Note: Bob Marley and Operation Ivy are the only artists to appear in both my college and current top 10.

Unwanted update: Chris has felt the need to post his top 10 desert island albums after the jump. It’s unhealthy how similar the brothers Mottram are.

Continue reading My Top 10 Desert Island Albums

Mr. Irrelevant Has Lots of Online Friends

Brooks-Gossip-LAMany thanks to those who’ve taken note of the revamped Mr. Irrelevant. Here are but a few of the rave reviews:

So, yeah, two thumbs way up. And, in case you’re wondering, the handsome fellow in that photo is Brooks himself, alongside the lovely Miss Gossip. The two are not an item, but they were at the LA sports bloggers happy hour.

Reminder: DC sports bloggers happy hour IV this Friday!

Update: The hits just keep on coming:

The American Mustache Institute vs. Jason Campbell

Steinz and I discuss the American Mustache Institute’s best sports ‘staches of all time on Blog Show XVI, with Bog Man Dan charging AMI with unfairly including only one black athlete (Clyde Frazier) on the ballot. Fortunately for African-American mustaches everywhere, Skins blog Hogs Haven tells the AMI to stick it and stumps for Washington QB Jason Campbell’s inclusion in the proceedings.

Jason Campbell Mustache

Much to their credit, AMI responds:

“Campbell, as Billy Dee Williams-smooth as he may be, would never be considered as he also sports hair on his chin thus nullifying his candidacy. A true ‘stache – a delicious ‘stache – is one that needs no complimenting chin hair.”

“A delicious ‘stache” you say? Thanks for the laugh (and the Billy Dee comparison), but JC has honest-to-goodness lip fur that should be recognized as such. Fortunately, there’s a write-in option on AMI’s ballot, so we can rock the vote in an attempt to right the wrongs of oppressed facial hair everywhere. And, you know, white man or not, I wouldn’t mind it if you nominated Jeff Reboulet while you’re at it.

Update: Seems that AMI saw us on Blog Show and responds via email to Steinz (after the jump):

Continue reading The American Mustache Institute vs. Jason Campbell

Harringtons Enjoying That Irish Luck

No relation to the Harringtons, but hotIf a professional athlete is about to implode on himself like a dying star, you better believe a Harrington will be in the wings, waiting to reap the benefits.*

We are all well aware by now that because Mike Vick hearts electrocuting dogs (and now he won’t even be allowed to attend camp), that Joey Harrington is in-line to be the Falcons starting QB this season. The man has been nothing short of a total bust — highlighted by a 68 passer rating last season — yet he has managed to luck his way into yet another starting role. He’s like Vincent Chase’s brother, except he’s not on a T.V. show that sucks so much, yet is so inexplicably popular.

Then there’s Joey’s second cousin, who happens to be Padriag Harrington. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Padriag deserved to win the British and all, but if Sergio didn’t have to wait 15 minutes to hit his second shot on 18, and had more “good breaks,” and hadn’t brought his Lightdays even though he was experiencing heavy flow on the back nine, then Paddy totally wouldn’t of had a chance.

Oh, but wait, there’s yet another Harrington: Joey’s other cousin pro poker player Dan Harrington. Dan’s only won $4.8 million playing in tournaments, not to mention the unknown amount he’s won in cash games.

So yeah, those Harringtons are a pretty lucky bunch of Irishmen. Am I jealous? Of course not. I mean, just the other day I found 10 bucks on the floor in the mall (true story!), so I have that going for me.

*Granted, I’m not sure what benefits one would actually reap from supernovae, but you know what I’m trying to say, dick.

Where Would D.C. Be Without Da Hook?

Meat Hook loves him some Sanford and sonRonnie Bellard will stick around to see the new Nats stadium next year, but what of Da Meat Hook?  D.C.’s GM mastermind Jim Bowden (you know, the guy who didn’t trade Soriano at this time last year, only to see him walk with the team getting nothing in exchange) remains rather mum on Dmitri Young.

It is clear how much Nats fans love them some Meat Hook. Much like Soriano last season, he has been the one bright spot for this franchise, aside from the “Beers of the World” stand in section 521.  Besides, where would the team be this season without him? Exactly where they currently are:

“He has meant a lot. He has meant almost everything,” [Manager Manny] Acta said. “I know without him, we’d still be in last place — and that’s where we are with him — but we’d be in much worse shape.”

Does Manny Acta really believe that there are varing levels of the term “last place”? 

Mr. I: Now With Twice as Much Mottram

Jamie sets 'em up, Chris knocks 'em out

Welcome to the new (and hopefully improved) Mr. Irrelevant. For the past three-plus years, my brother and I have kept separate blogs. I wrote a little site called Saved by the Blog, which I modestly admit was kind of a big deal, and Jamie wrote Mr. Irrelevant. As you can see, we’ve decided to stick with the title of the latter because my brother is sensitive and tears can damage keyboards.

Why the merge you’re surely not asking yourself right about now? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because I got sick and tired of Jamie begging me to join forces with him. Or maybe it was the other way around. Meaningless details, man.

Anyway, with J-Dog and C-Dog’s powers combined, we will surely present to you a singular site that is just like our old, separate sites, except now you don’t have to go to two different places! And plus we have a kick ass new header (see above), and this righteous wordpress theme (“RockinChrome”… just like Jamie’s late-90’s model Nissan). So please, enjoy, and come back often.

Extreme gratitude goes to Matt from 289 Design for the superb header creation, and Pete Holiday for his mad computer skillz. We were lost in a sea of HTML without you.