Danny Espinosa. The bunts. Oh dear god, the bunts. Three of them in complete non-bunting situations (although some would argue there’s no such thing as a “bunting situation” to start with). One worked out because of sheer dumb luck. Five strikeouts in nine at-bats. One hit.
Bryce Harper. One hit in 15 at-bats with SIX strikeouts. Or the same amount of K’s you had in your last 10 regular season games. You LITERALLY couldn’t be any worse (OK, you could but probably not by much). Cool eye-black though.
Michael Morse. Congrats on your three meaningless singles. Remember when you popped out with the bases loaded in Game 3, essentially killing all our hopes and dreams? That was neat.
Kurt Suzuki. One hit, 11 at-bats, four strikeouts. I know no one really expects you to hit, but shit man.
Adam LaRoche. Your one hit was a dinger! M-V-P M-V-P!
Jayson Werth. You’ve been on base six times, which is actually not horrible! You’ve also failed miserably in all sorts of important situations and have struck out five times.
The Pitchers. We’ll just lump the lot of you in here ’cause you’ve all been horrible at not giving up runs (22 in 26 innings). Except you, Drew Storen. Maybe you can talk to these guys about not being so shitty? Thanks.
But wait! It’s not all awful! Look at this!
What’s the big idea, buddy? Trying to show up the team? Huh? Well get in line, Ian, and start striking out more. You have one last chance today to show the rest of this team how much you can suck, too!