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Dear Nats, You Guys Are Awful

Danny Espinosa. The bunts. Oh dear god, the bunts. Three of them in complete non-bunting situations (although some would argue there’s no such thing as a “bunting situation” to start with). One worked out because of sheer dumb luck. Five strikeouts in nine at-bats. One hit.

Bryce Harper. One hit in 15 at-bats with SIX strikeouts. Or the same amount of K’s you had in your last 10 regular season games. You LITERALLY couldn’t be any worse (OK, you could but probably not by much). Cool eye-black though.

Michael Morse. Congrats on your three meaningless singles. Remember when you popped out with the bases loaded in Game 3, essentially killing all our hopes and dreams? That was neat.

Kurt Suzuki. One hit, 11 at-bats, four strikeouts. I know no one really expects you to hit, but shit man.

Adam LaRoche. Your one hit was a dinger! M-V-P M-V-P!

Jayson Werth. You’ve been on base six times, which is actually not horrible! You’ve also failed miserably in all sorts of important situations and have struck out five times.

The Pitchers. We’ll just lump the lot of you in here ’cause you’ve all been horrible at not giving up runs (22 in 26 innings). Except you, Drew Storen. Maybe you can talk to these guys about not being so shitty? Thanks.

But wait! It’s not all awful! Look at this!

What’s the big idea, buddy? Trying to show up the team? Huh? Well get in line, Ian, and start striking out more. You have one last chance today to show the rest of this team how much you can suck, too!

Former Managing Editor at UPROXX; former Senior Editor at @SBNation; former ska-zine editor, fan of bad sports teams and good beer.

26 Comments

26 Comments

  1. You

    October 11, 2012 at 1:14 PM

    are the worst

  2. Moe Greene

    October 11, 2012 at 1:38 PM

    Ah, Ian Desmond; The Shoeless Joe Jackson our of era. No one will ever prove Ian threw any of these games, that’s for sure.

  3. JDP

    October 11, 2012 at 1:38 PM

    I see what you did here. Reverse Mottram Jinx

  4. buck

    October 11, 2012 at 1:53 PM

    your

  5. Sec314

    October 11, 2012 at 2:19 PM

    I feel better now

  6. Snyder's Bitch

    October 11, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    The Cards are hot and cold. Their bats can fall silent at any time. There is also no shame in loosing to them- they are the Yankees without being assholes.

  7. Mike

    October 11, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    It was obvious to see that the Nats were overperforming all season long . It’s no surprise they are sucking it up in the playoffs

  8. 44ever

    October 11, 2012 at 3:01 PM

    Usually on board, but this is too much. Wasn’t everything roses just LAST WEEK when they won the division? And now they are berated.

    In a year where they posted the BEST record in baseball (when NO ONE predicted more than 85 wins), pried the torch from Philly’s cold, dead hands, and created excitement enough to have people talking baseball past August in DC, THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!

    And so do your loyal readers. The Nats can be better. And so can you. I have faith in both, misplaced though it may be these days.

  9. Jamie Mottram

    October 11, 2012 at 3:06 PM

    I think once the Nats’ postseason is over and done with we’ll appreciate how special this season was. For now, though, this series is frustrating as hell.

  10. Chris Mottram

    October 11, 2012 at 3:08 PM

    You’re right, 44ever. The Nats are just the best! Sorry, everyone!

  11. ThisGuy

    October 11, 2012 at 3:59 PM

    The Nats have won two games in a row at home plenty of times. It’s all good.

  12. 44ever

    October 11, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    @Chris Your world, brother. So if they win two in a row are we all going to have to read more keyboard diarrhea on how just purely awesome and great and wonderful and how you knew it deep down in your Nat-loving soul? If that’s the case, now I’m torn on them winning.

    Winds changed, time to flush.

  13. Chris Mottram

    October 11, 2012 at 4:16 PM

    44ever: This was a tongue-in-cheek post illustrating the frustrations of this series. I think you took it way too seriously. I’m sorry if I upset you.

  14. COXSUCKS

    October 11, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    why isn’t the game on? I have to watch teh end of SF and CIN? I hate TBS and COX

  15. COXSUCKS

    October 11, 2012 at 4:27 PM

    i found it.. sorry

  16. 44ever

    October 11, 2012 at 4:30 PM

    it just missed the mark. Both you and the Nats can do better. I’ll keep reading.

  17. Chris Mottram

    October 11, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    Thanks for the pep talk! I’ll try to do better!

  18. Puttz

    October 11, 2012 at 7:20 PM

    And totally redeem yourself!

  19. JB

    October 11, 2012 at 7:22 PM

    I’d ask for a post like this again instead of a winners losers please :)

  20. Chris Mottram

    October 11, 2012 at 7:25 PM

    THE REVERSE JINX WORKS!

  21. A Fine Messi

    October 11, 2012 at 7:31 PM

    you guys can thank me for Werth’s donger. watched the entire game, then left my apartment when the nats came up to bat to see if that would change anything. 5 inutes later, i get a text saying “best 127 million the nats ever spent”.

    you’re welcome, Nats fans!

  22. JB

    October 11, 2012 at 7:34 PM

    oh and suck it Bob Costas

  23. A Fine Messi

    October 11, 2012 at 7:34 PM

    and by the by. was at that Yanks/O’s game last night in my, sigh, orange Brian Roberts jersey… on my way out of the ballpark, i received this taunt that totally made my night worthwhile:

    “Enjoy your bus ride back to Virgina, you Baltimore !”

  24. A Fine Messi

    October 11, 2012 at 7:35 PM

    “Enjoy your bus ride back to Virginia, you Baltimore (derogatory term for homosexual)!”

  25. Ketel on Rocks

    October 11, 2012 at 8:52 PM

    Oh, hello Phillies fan.

    Feeling a little more sullen and bitter than usual?

  26. JDP

    October 11, 2012 at 9:18 PM

    The Mottram jinx is strong. The reverse jinx is stronger!

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