If I met some sort of effed up, crackhead genie who was only capable of granting me the wish to be any famous Canadian, I’d want to be J.E. Skeets. But if because said genie was an effing crackhead and wasn’t capable of giving me my first choice, I’d have to go with Emmanuelle Chriqui so that I could see myself naked. But alas, if that didn’t work out either — what with the whole sex change and all — then my first choice would definitely be O’s pitcher Erik Bedard.
Bedard the Crazy Retard (Note: This is not meant to insult the mentally handicapped, Erik Bedard, nor Mike Golic, it’s just that we can’t think of anything else that rhymes with “Bedard”) is quite possibly the best pitcher in the American League right now.
Sure, he only has 10 wins (I use “only” loosely, seeing as 10 wins is good), but if you’re the kind of person who basis a pitcher’s worth on their number of wins, then I’d have to assume you’re the kind of person who watches a lot of “1st and 10” on ESPN and participates in discourse with your friends over “who’s most now” (what I’m trying to say is that you’re not smart, see, not sure if I made that clear).
Bedard leads the league in K’s with 175, 31 more than Santana, and could reach the 300 strikeout mark this year. He also has a 1.08 WHIP, a 3.12 ERA, and a community college education. In his last four starts, he’s allowed two runs while striking out 36 batters over 29 innings. On the season, he has eight quality starts with either a no decision or a loss. That shows you how valuable wins is as a statistic.
Not that any of this matters, or anyone cares about Bedard, because we are, afterall, talking about the Orioles here. They haven’t been relevant in a decade, thus making them “irrelevant.” Get it, get it?! I apologize.