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Jesus’ Homeboy Comes to Save the Nats

Hey there, Pope Benedict. Benny. Buddy. Can I call you Benny? Good, good. So, I know you have only, like, all of humanity to save and some priesty sex scandals to squash, so I won’t keep you here long, but I couldn’t help but notice you’re in our team’s new ballpark this morning:


Beautiful stadium, no? Agreed. And nice robe, Benny. Nats colors and all. Good man. Well done. Not so sure about lettin’ the ladies wear all that white when we aren’t between Memorial and Labor Day, but, hey, they saved it with the black shoes, so you’re all good.

Anywho … so listen, in case you hadn’t noticed, the Nats are not very good right now, like, at all. I’m not Catholic, so I don’t really know much about you, nor do I get why 46,000+ people would take a sick day to come listen to you speak, but it’s my understanding that you have some sort of magically Jesus powers. Like, you guys talk, and stuff. So, if it’s not to much to ask — I mean, we did let you borrow our park for the day — I have a small list of favors, if you will, that would really, really help us out:

  1. Raise Zimmerman’s .053 RISP avg. above the Mendoza line.
  2. Grant us a pitcher who can throw 200+ innings.
  3. Give us a closer whose fastball is not both flat and topping out at 82 mph. Movement or velocity, please. We aren’t even asking for both. No need to get greedy.
  4. Allow us to beat the Mets just one f’ing time.
  5. Give gonorrhea and a warm spot in hell to all Phillies fans.
  6. Bless Da Meat Hook with the ability to play middle infielder.
  7. Just don’t let us lose 100 game, please.
  8. Unrelated: Accept Jamie’s Facebook friend request already.

Okay, that is all. Thanks, man. Now please, Benny, without further delay, go give an “awesome speech.”

Former Managing Editor at UPROXX; former Senior Editor at @SBNation; former ska-zine editor, fan of bad sports teams and good beer.



  1. MacG

    April 17, 2008 at 12:49 PM

    Can I add a few?
    9. Give us a competent GM with a track record in actually running successful baseball clubs
    10. Make tight ass Lerner spend some money on raising pay roll significantly
    11. Lower Beer Prices at new stadium

  2. Jamie Mottram

    April 17, 2008 at 1:06 PM

    12. End Lo Duca’s career in a swift and painless fashion.

  3. qualude conduct

    April 17, 2008 at 1:26 PM

    13. forgive Elijah Dukes

  4. Unsilent Majority

    April 17, 2008 at 1:35 PM

    14. Make Columbus’ rotation ready for the big leagues.


    April 17, 2008 at 2:03 PM

    15. Shotgun in the Popemobile!
    16. Hook your boy up with a deadstock pair of those fresh LE Air Benedict XVI’s.

  6. smurphette

    April 17, 2008 at 9:05 PM

    17. Have David Wright get kidnapped by pirates or hit by a speeding truck.
    18. What Jamie said.

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