If you’re going to be a football fan, having an understanding significant other is key. Sure, you may have to watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on Monday in exchange for spending all day Sunday watching football, but the trade off is worth it … so long as she knows that football time is football time. You do what you want during the hours that your team is playing and if you wanna turn the game up cause your team is beating the Giants 20-8 late in the season, god dammit, you should be able to do it without getting stabbed in the heart with a kitchen knife:
A grand jury indicted Kimberly Shanks [Ed. Note: seriously, that’s her last name.], 51, on May 7 for fatally stabbing Charles Shanks, 49, on Dec. 14. She will appear before a judge on May 27.
Shanks admitted to killing her husband at their home in the 1400 block of Lone Star Court on Dec. 14 after he turned up the volume of a Dallas Cowboys game “knowing it would keep her awake,” the Star Community Newspapers Web site reported, citing court documents.
The newspaper reported that Shanks told police she went into the kitchen for medication but grabbed a knife instead and “tried to stick the knife in his heart.”
She ran out of the house but returned with a landscaping rock from a neighbor’s yard. She went inside to find her husband on the kitchen floor and she hit him on the back of the head with the rock to make sure he was knocked out. She also stabbed him in the back to make sure he was dead.
No, no, no, Kimberly. You’re doing it wrong. You don’t hit him with a rock to knock him out after he’s already unconscious from the hole you just put in his heart. If you’re gonna get stabby, it goes in this order: blunt force to head, stab in the back, stab in heart to ensure deadness. Cowboys fans … shesh. Can’t do anything right.