Redskins-Patriots Winners & Losers

Handing out labels after Skins games, this time a 23-6 preseason win against the Patriots. Yayyyyy football! Booooooo preseason! Via @BurgundyBlog, let’s all yawn at preseason along with Santana Moss.

Mossyawn

Winners

Redskins Running Backs — Originally I had them all listed separately, but that seems silly, for the most part. The RBs rushed the ball 42 times for  177 yards, a solid 4.0 average. Alfred Morris looked trucklike and Morris-y in deliberately limited action. Roy Helu Jr. looked like a more-than-capable #2. Evan Royster looked unremarkable, and bizarre in a #26 jersey. (Every true Redskins fan knows that will always belong to Ifeanyi Ohalete.) Chris Thompson continues to look more like Brandon Banks and less like Darren Sproles. And then there were the two new guys.

Lache Seastrunk — Looked every bit as electric as advertised, rushing 12 times for 63 yards (admittedly against New England’s 11th-string defense).

Silas Redd – Wearing the #24 jersey of preseason legend Marcus Mason, Redd took 9 carries for 45 yards and added 2 catches for 18 yards. Running back is looking crowded this year.

Colt McCoy — Wearing the #16 jersey of Redskins preseason legend Babe Laufenberg and the first name of Redskins preseason legend Colt Brennan, McCoy is a strong front-runner candidate for “player that some idiot fan will advocate for ahead of an actual top-line starter”. (Ed. note — And also the Redskins Preseason HOF!)

Zach Hocker — The rookie probably took the lead in the kicking competition by going 2-for-2 on FGs while Kai Forbath missed one. Also managed the always-thrilling kicker tackle on big return by New England (even if the return was ultimately negated by penalty).

Rashad Ross — I know nothing at all about this dude, but he took the second half kickoff back for 37 yards in a way that looked unflashy and unscary and reliable, which are all things that Redskins kick returners have not been for years. Also made a nice 35-yard grab on the second drive of the third quarter.

Losers

Me — I owe Drew Magary an apology. When I read the “kid gets head lice” chapter of his book Someone Could Get Hurt, I scoffed inwardly. Way to make something minor sound epic, man, I thought, or something like it. Tonight, karma (in the form of head lice) bit me (in the form of my daughter) in the ass (in the form of her head), and suddenly four hours vanished in a whirlwind of chemicals and laundry and vacuuming and screaming. Sorry, Drew! You were right! Anyhow, this all meant that I watched an entire preseason game on DVR — meaning without ANY Twitter interaction — and that makes me the biggest loser of the night.

People Who Attended the Game — Actually, these folks apparently had it pretty bad also. This is just one of the many reasons that I now avoid live football as much as possible. (Picture via @TomRousseyABC7.)

FedExTraffic

People Watching on TV — We did not escape unscathed. When Kenny Albert started talking, my daughter, exhausted from being rubbed with highly toxic chemicals, leaned blearily toward the TV and said, “Daddy, why is that man YELLING into that microphone like that?” Joe Theismann, meanwhile, kept referring to the Redskins as “we”, making everything exceptionally positive and even did some shilling for @RedskinsFacts in the second quarter. And then there was Ken Harvey, asking sideline questions that totally justify all of Gregg Popovich’s behavior. Harvey was so awful that it was actually a relief when NBC cut into his audio so we could listen to President Obama tell us that we’re all doomed for yet ANOTHER geopolitical reason.

Riggo and the Hogs – Their Papa Johns commercial felt like the Redskins fan’s version of a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. Don’t look back. You can never look back.

Some Poor Bastard In the Redskins Broadcast Network Truck — Those audio problems in the first quarter might not have cost someone their job, but there was definitely a lot of screaming.

Medium

Jay Gruden — Won his big-league (preseason) debut. Offense looked great. But, man, he really needs to be careful what ludicrous faces he makes on the sidelines. I haven’t found the Vine of him rubbing his tooth for what felt like an enternity, but I’m sure it’s out there. (Ed. note — Found it!)

Kirk Cousins — Started with an awful throw, missed a handoff, had a couple awkward tosses and then looked perfect on a TD to Robinson. Finished 9-of-13 for 103 yards, but suffers by virtue of not being Colt McCoy. Sorry, Kirk — only room for one backup QB preseason darling on this bandwagon! The switch to jersey #8 makes him seem more risk-taking, like Rex, than staid #12 did. I approve.

Robert Griffin III- It’s so hard to tell with him when the games don’t count and the coaches aren’t relying on his lunatic playmaking ability. But at least I was no longer terrified for his health and wellbeing every time the ball was snapped. That’s a win all by itself. Also, I found myself craving Subway after the game, AND I think I might have figured out my why. That’s a big day for RG3.

Special Teams — I don’t even remember everything that they did — and lord knows they threatened to give up two long returns — but they weren’t last year’s special teams unit, and for that I love them forever.

I’m sure I missed tons in my post-lice haze, so go ahead and put ‘em in the comments.

12 thoughts on “Redskins-Patriots Winners & Losers”

  1. And of course Drew had the Vine of Gruden picking his teeth. That’ll teach me not to scroll back through my entire Twitter feed before writing these things.

  2. Can we put everyone who was involved in that Keystone-Cops-missed-tackle-pileup on the long-run-and-fumble-negated-by-penalty kick return on the Losers list? Much like the previous sentence, that was headache inducing.

  3. Went to the Manchester United/Internazionale game a couple of weeks ago at FedEx. Took me an hour and a half to get out of the stadium parking and six hours (!) to drive back down to Virginia Beach. Standstill traffic on 95 in the middle of nowhere at 1:30 AM?!

    I won’t see the Skins in person until they move back to DC.

  4. Lice > Bed Bugs all day errry day (Thanks, transients who live next door!).

    Anywho, as far as the game goes:

    That audio guy is a WINNER in my book. Compelled me to mute the broadcast and ended up keeping it it there all game. The most I’ve enjoyed Theisman ever.

    Silas Redd is your new Marcus Mason. Are we sure that its not Marcus Mason under an assumed name?

    I’m pretty sure I bought that exact polo (minus Redskins logo, of course) that Gruden wore at American Eagle in 2001. He should really pair it with a visor and a Dispatch cd to round out the early aughts vibe.

    I had no idea Evan Royster was still on the roster. I believe the baseball term is ‘organizational filler.’

    Contract year Orakpo is going to be just like contract year Ariza. Not necessarily a bad thing.

    Riggo has been on a commercial tear lately, including shilling for one of those fraudulent get rich quick seminars at a hotel near the airport scams, which is terribly depressing to listen to.

    No major injuries? No labored and contrived controversy this morning on the radio? No complaints here.

  5. I had to watch the game via internet stream through a NE channel. It was absolutely insufferable. After the game they said how that game didn’t matter, because the Pats DESTROYED the Redskins in the joint practices. Y’known, the ones with no contact.

  6. I thought Redd looked very good. Quick feet and turned on a dime. Seastrunk looked ok, but based on last night I would rather have Redd on the roster and Seastrunk on the practice squad. The NE booth was horrible. I have preseason live on the ipad and wondered why at a home game in DC they were using the NE crew. They knew none of the Redskins players names, on several plays where the Redskins gained short yardage for a first down or a Redskins player made a nice down field catch they praised the defender. One instance they praised a defender for only giving up 2 yards when it was a 3rd and 1, ” Held him to a 2 yard gain, great job!”. And when we were up 23-0, they had 2 bozos talking about “NE absolutely dominated them in practices, DOMINATED them”. Like there was no reason for the Pats to show up and they could care less about winning or putting in an effort. They may have even been a little tired from the joint practices… Garrapolo, or whatever his name is, is the Colt Brennan of the Pats offense, they even mentioned his work against our back ups to the back ups will vault him over Ryan Mallet in the back up QB competition. Mallet looked crappy, but only Brady can look good with those receivers and TE (minus Gronk).

  7. Chemicals are bad for small children amd the adults that have to put them on their head. All you need to do is spread mayonaise on her hair next time. And there will be a next time. School starts in 3 weeks!

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