A Dallas Cowboys Fan Introduces The Concept Of Romotanking

Here with a different point of view is Mr. Irrelevant Caps and Terps correspondent Brad Parker, who — *gasp* — doubles as a Cowboys fan.

I’m not that guy you hate. You know, the one that can’t find Dallas on a map but still roots for the Cowboys. You’ll probably still hate me but at least I was born in Fort Worth and have been to many a Thanksgiving game in person. So yes, I live in the D.C. area, and I love the Dallas Cowboys.

I also love Tony Romo. As soon as I heard the news Monday the Kubler-Ross stages of grief hit the ground running. Depression took a little more time than the rest, but I still got to acceptance in record speed.

Then something came out of nowhere. Looking forward to another winner-take-all Week 17 game it dawned on me: Dallas fans need the Cowboys to lose. I’m not talking about fantanking, actively rooting against my favorite team hoping for a better draft pick. (No matter which pick we end up with Jerry Jones will make the selection; the guy he takes at 20 could be the exact same guy he’d take at 11.)

Dallas fans need the Cowboys to lose for one simple reason: If Kyle Orton wins where Romo has lost before, I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen to the narrative.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m still a Cowboys fan. Despite the rivalry with the Washington football team, there’s not a team I hate more than the Eagles (still holding a grudge from the Buddy Ryan/Bounty Bowl days). I’m just afraid the joy of winning would be fleeting and short-sighted.

A loss would mean another Week 17 disappointment and offseason of questions. But it would also mean that a coach that often uses his Ivy League brain to outsmart himself could be gone. A play-caller that refuses to run with a 23-point lead at home would likely be gone. A coordinator running the worst defense in the league, if not NFL history, would definitely be gone.

Here’s how bad that defense is:

– Five QBs have thrown for 400-plus yards against Dallas this year.
– The Bears and the Broncos didn’t punt against Dallas. NOT ONCE.
– The Saints got 40 first downs against Dallas. In one game!
– If Dallas played Detroit two more times this year and held Calvin Johnson to one yard, he would still average 110 yards/game against the Cowboys this year.
– The Cowboys forced Washington to punt with 3:47 to go in the game on Sunday; it was the first time they’d stopped anyone in the second half since THANKSGIVING.

A win on Sunday would put the Cowboys in the playoffs where they would likely host either San Fran or New Orleans. Would you give the Cowboys defense any shot at stopping SF or NO? I’ll root for it to happen, and might convince myself that it can, but is getting to the playoffs and losing at home in the first round worth the drama that would ensue?

If a Romo-less Cowboys team actually wins on Sunday, Dallas would be 1-6 in elimination games with Tony Romo and 1-0 with Kyle Orton. You think there’s been drama in DC lately? That would be like the riddle of RGIII’s knee wrapped in the mystery of Albert Haynseworth’s conditioning test inside the enigma of Snyder suing season ticket-holding grandmas.

Orton is under contract next year so Romo would spend the 2014 season looking over his shoulder at the guy who actually won a winner-take-all game for Dallas. That delicate psyche can’t take more tweaking.

Romo will lose you games you have no business losing. Romo will also win you games you have no business winning. You may believe he’s a choker, but I believe he does way more good than bad. John Elway had the reputation of not being able to win the big game and lost multiple Super Bowls. He was 38 before he finally won one. Romo is 33 now. I’m not saying Romo is a latter-day Elway, I’m just saying there’s still a chance he can win it all.

A win on Sunday also means that Garrett is definitely coming back. Bill Callahan might be back calling plays. Monte Kiffin would still be fired.

What if Orton plays well Sunday night but the Cowboys’ horrific D can’t stop the Eagles? A season-ending loss with a backup QB is no fun, but you can live with it. What about an entire offseason of hearing that Orton gives the Cowboys a better chance of winning than Romo? I might be able to survive that, but I’m not sure Romo’s career would.

(Romo-Orton image taken with love from Deadspin.)

11 thoughts on “A Dallas Cowboys Fan Introduces The Concept Of Romotanking”

  1. I think Brad is trying to trick us Redskins fans into rooting for Dallas. That ain’t ever happening, even though I do like the offseason scenario that he lays out.

  2. Here is how bad/depressing the Skins’ season has been: 5 minutes til Christmas and I’m reading a blog post on my favorite Skins (among other things) blog about the Dallas FUCKING cowboys. What the fuck?

  3. Geez, harsh people. Instead of pissing in your panties about a Dallas post, realize that the point of the post is that their organization is worse off than ours. Sure, we need a new coach, but so do they. You should be ROOTING for the Cowgirls to MAKE the playoffs; that might persuade Jerry to bring back Garrett. Sure, we have an owner with his paws on everything (see Draft Deal for RGIII), but at least he isn’t also the GM and in charge of player acquisition like Jerry. It would be insufferable to have to listen to Danny at every presser like his Texas counterpart. And speaking of quarterbacks, sure we gave up a ton to get Griffin, but at least he’s still got potential. Romo’s last minute heroics mean squat if he can’t do it in December when the games matter. And despite that, Jerry PAID HIM! So sleep tight drama queens and remember, Cowgirls < Redskins.

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