Here with a not-at-all incendiary guest post for winning our Redskins-Lions Prediction contest is Jon.
First off, I’d like to thank Jamie for giving me the opportunity to write a little something about our beloved Washington Football Team. I have to apologize, though. I couldn’t come up with a #hottake on the state of the team. All I have is this transcript of George Wallace, Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond talking about the name change down in Hell (way to drop the ball, Steinz).
Take it away, boys!
Governor Wallace: What’s this bullshit about the liberal media trying to change the name from the Redskins to some stupid name like the Griffins or Warriors?
Senator Helms: I don’t know, George. This country is going straight to hell. There’s not enough troops in the Army to force true Redskins fans to change the name and allow shitty names like the Warriors, Griffins or Renegades into our stadium, into our practice facility, into our Joe Gibbs Memorial Bubble, into our fancy new training facility in the capitol of our Confederacy or into our homes!
Senator Thurmond: HOOWEE, I’m with you on that one, Jesse! You know, I think the Redskins Name Guardians are the greatest minority in this nation! They deserve consideration and understanding instead of the persecution of twisted Costasian propaganda.
Governor Wallace: Amen, Strom. Amen. If I was the owner, I’d resist any calls for changing the name, even to the point of standing at the stadium gates in person, if necessary.
Senator Thurmond: I’d do exactly the same, George. It’s not that I’m prejudiced against Native Americans. When I was governor, I did more to help the Native Americans in our state than any previous governor, and I think you can find Native Americans in the state who will attest to this fact.
Senator Helms: Like that Indian chief Mister Snyder found in Alaska, right??? I love that guy!
Governor Wallace: Yeah, that guy’s the best. At this point, though, things have gotten so out of hand, they’re practically building a bridge over the Potomac for all the white liberals fleeing to change the name. If any Name Changer ever lays down in front of my car, like those damn Vietnam War Protesters, it’ll be the last car he’ll ever lay down in front of.
Senator Helms: Dang, George, that’s a bit violent of you. I agree with you, though. Some of those Name Changers are crazy. You know that bald guy who cranks out those name change columns for the Washington Post?
Governor Wallace & Senator Thurmond: MIKE WISE?!?!?!?
Senator Helms: Yeah, that guy. He is not your garden-variety Name Changer. He’s a militant-activist-mean Name Changer. I’ll tell you what, on top of that, the Washington Post is infested with Name Changers. Just about every person up there is a Name Changer or Dallas fan.
Senator Thurmond: It never should have gotten to this point. I firmly believe if I had been named owner after Jack Kent Cooke died, things would be vastly different. I would have stemmed the growth of Big Name Change, which had begun with the Mike Wise columns and culminated with that damn Costas soliloquy.
Governor Wallace: I don’t know if you guys know this, but I tried to buy the team off ol’ George Marshall back in the day. I tried to tell him about good defense and special teams and all these things that are parts of good football teams and he wouldn’t even listen! And then I started talking about keeping the name Redskins forever and he stomped on the floor he was so happy!
Senator Thurmond: Ol’ George was the best! He never would have changed the name!
Senator Helms: I know it. You know what the worst thing about these damn Name Changers is? You can’t reason with ‘em. Time and time again I have said to Name Changers, “Let’s work together.” At one time in my Redskins manifesto speech during the ’96 campaign, I specifically mentioned that I wanted to work with them. I said, “Come to see me.” I had one delegation come to see me, and they wanted some free jerseys from the team store.
Governor Wallace: We can’t hate the Name Changers, though. I advocate hatred of no man, because hate will only compound the problems facing the Name Guardians. We should just ask for patience and tolerance and make an earnest request that we be allowed to keep the name as we see fit without outside interference.
Senator Thurmond: You sure that’s the way to go, George? I thought we were FOR hatred.
Governor Wallace: Fuck it. You’re right. This is from a speech I was planning on giving at Tuesday’s Hell’s Toastmasters Meeting. Let me know what you guys think.
“Ladies and gentlemen:
It is very appropriate that from this cradle of the Super Bowl, this very heart of the great Redskins nation, that today we sound the drum for KEEPING the name, as have our generations of forebears before us time and again down through history. Let us rise to the call for Redskins-loving blood that is in us and send our answer to the Costasian tyranny that clanks its chains upon Redskins nation. In the name of the greatest fans that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the Skins helmet before the feet of tyranny, and I say Redskins now, Redskins tomorrow, Redskins FOREVER!”
Senators Thurmond & Helms: [Standing ovation.]
(Redskins mascot image taken from a post we did in November 2008.)