Washington Post’s Disturbingly Illustrated Start To Caps Season

As announced the other day, Brad Parker is one of our two new Capitals Correspondents. Here’s his first post; it’s a doozy.

For some reason this offseason seemed excruciatingly long.

Maybe it was being swept by Tampa Bay. Maybe it was actually feeling sorry for Sidney Crosby for eight months. Maybe it’s because the NFL tricked us into being worried about football every day this summer. Whatever, it seemed long.

Then to top it off the season starts on a Thursday but the Caps don’t drop the puck till Saturday night.

So when the Washington Post came on Thursday (Yes, I still get the paper. Printed on paper. And every couple of weeks I read some of it. Suck it trees!) I was probably more excited than I should have been to see that there was a “Four-Page Pullout Guide to the NHL Season” inside.

What did I learn from this glorious gaze into the months-long battle for hockey’s Holy Grail that gets underway this weekend? Not a fucking thing.

Why you ask? Because I was so frightened by the monstrosity on the front page that I dared not enter.

So many things about Brett Afrunti’s “art” grabbed me that I didn’t know what to look away from first. I still can’t decide which is the greatest inaccuracy.

Is it Alexander Semin leaning forward as if he’s actually skating hard and caring.

Is it Alex Ovechkin’s piercing blue eyes?

What about Nick Backstrom’s yellow werewolf eyes. He looks like a guy in a Caps jersey wearing yellow contacts that happens to look nothing like Nick Backstrom.

No, in the end it was the thing in the top right. Ostensibly it was a portrait of Mike Green. That was clear because the jersey has number 52 on it and because … No, that’s the only reason to think it’s supposed to be Mike Green.

His head looks like it was hit by a weed wacker. Not just his circa 2009 mohawk, his whole freakin’ head.

So what about the actual content of the NHL Preview from the local paper of record?

Page 1: This insane graphic
Page 2: The Caps roster
Page 3: A Katie Carrera article about the Caps
Page 4: One paragraph about each team they predict will make the playoffs and a half-page ad

In other words, about a half-page of content you wouldn’t get on any day during the regular season. Oh, but this one pulls out.

5 thoughts on “Washington Post’s Disturbingly Illustrated Start To Caps Season”

  1. hahaha man i wish i still got the paper paper so i could laugh at how many trees died in order to deliver us this epic masterpiece of caps art

  2. Has anyone checked to see if the sports editor’s children have been released by the kidnappers? Because I can’t imagine any other reason that this atrocity would be published — other than as ransom to get your kids back. And it would give any editor pause …..”sure, I guess I love my kids, but this much?”

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