Because they’re rooting, you see?
It’s January, and we’re on the eve of the opening weekend of the NFL Playoffs, which, for Redskins fans, means we’ll be watching other teams play. Sure, it’s a sad time of the year, but BUCK UP buddy! It’s still football! And we can still concoct really stupid reasons to root for or against certain teams! Here, let me help by presenting to you which teams you should root for in each conference, in order from least to most rootable. This is based on objective research that involves a scientific mix that’s two parts Bitter and one part Fuck You All.
6. Philadelphia Eagles. This requires no explanation. The Eagles must never win a Super Bowl trophy, lest we lose our one and only comeback when getting into sports-related arguments with Philly fans.
5. Chicago Bears. I’ve never liked that Bears. I don’t really know why. Maybe cause I used to work with a really obnoxious Bears fan. I told you, this is objective. Also: The Skins beat the shit out of the Bears this season. It’s hard to respect a team after something like that.
4. New Orleans Saints. They’re still cute and all, but they won it last year, so … no.
3. Atlanta Falcons. I’m pretty much neutral on this team. Michael Turner did help me win my fantasy league (isn’t that interesting!?), but I don’t think I can stand hearing Matt Ryan referred to as Matty Ice all postseason.
2. Green Bay Packers. The Favre-less Packers are really easy to root for, and super exciting to watch. They also get bonus rootability points for knocking the Giants out of the playoffs. The Redskins also beat them, but in more of a fluke sorta way, not in a dominant sorta way.
1. Seattle Seahawks. Just for comedy’s sake, mostly. Plus, who doesn’t love a totally undeserving underdog?
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. Die.
5. New England Patriots. I hate you all so much.
4. New York Jets. Rex Ryan is fun to laugh at, but we can never root for a team from New York/Jersey.
3. Baltimore Ravens. I hate all four of these teams passionately.
2. Indianapolis Colts. I still enjoy watching Peyton Manning play, but they already got their ring.
1. Kansas City Chiefs. Look at the names of the five teams above. Now look at the name of the team to the left. I can’t think of one good reason to root for any team in the AFC aside from the Chiefs. They haven’t won in forever, they have an awesome fanbase, and LOOK! Their logo uses Native American imagery, too!