Six Flags is reportedly $2 billion in debt. Dan Snyder is the chairman of the Six Flags board and owns 11.7% of the company, so he’s short about $220 million. So, how to recoup this cash? Make cuts at Six Flags? Invest in another Tom Cruise Nazi thriller? Amateurs! The real answer is obvious: open up hair salons for children:
The ads describe [Six Flags Roller Coaster Cuts] as “a truly unique children’s boutique” that will be “offering young thrill-seekers a Six Flags experience in a one-of-a-kind setting.”
“Rollercoaster Cuts clients (kids only) will be treated like royalty from the moment they enter the brightly colored salon boutique,” reads the pitch to workers. “This state-of-the-art design features a 22? flat panel TV in each station. Children will be engaged and amused as they are fully immersed into a Six Flags experience by watching Six Flags TV or riding one our virtual Six Flags’ roller coasters making it easy and fun for stylists to work on children’s hair.”
Wow, what a great solution. Nothing goes with roller coasters like cutting hair. The only problem: Why will the children need to force their parents to pay for tickets to an actual Six Flags when they’ve already gone on the realistic ride that only a 22-INCH(!) flat screen can provide?
Oh, an they’ll also be providing manicures. For children. Because seeing 12-year-olds with iPhones wasn’t a clear enough sign that people need to stop producing offspring.