The past couple of years I’ve posted the Top 40 Sports Figures, but this year I was too lazy, so what we have here is the Top 10 D.C. Sports People, based on how much they were blogged about on Mr. Irrelevant in ’08.
10. Nick Young — I’m not sure what The City has done to warrant inclusion other than being the subject of two dunk campaigns, smelling Andray Blatche’s ass, rocking a mohawk and a fade and appearing on Blog Show. Somewhere, Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison hold each other, weep.
9. Alexander Ovechkin — Considering how little we write about the best team in town, it’s amazing he makes it here, and it’s thanks more to his online girlfriend and fancy sweatpants than his MVP (or whatever it’s called).
8. Elijah Dukes — One of the few bright spots on baseball’s worst team, he not only played well but also treated an ump like a bitch, mixed it up with Manager Acta, hit a sweet walk-off, played Tecmo Bowl, fucked with the Mets and beat medicine. Despite injury and perhaps because of the constant presence of a babysitter, it was a very good year. Dawg.
6. Dmitri Young — Like NY, he didn’t actually do anything this year, other than showing up at 291, painting his fingernails, carrying a briefcase, getting bobbleheaded, and inspiring the quote of the year:
“All of a sudden, he felt instant release,” [Jim] Bowden said. “She found the spot.”
5. Dan Snyder/Vinny Cerrato — /braces for another terrible offseason
4. Gilbert Arenas — Played in two games (this one being most notable) and hardly blogs anymore, but still sets the agenda for D.C. hoops and will continue doing so for the duration of his six-year, $111 million contract. Also, “me and my penis love Gilbert Arenas.” Also pt. 2, nice ink.
3. Chris Cooley — He was No. 4 on our list last year, but then he started a blog and it’s crazy how much things have changed. I mean, look at him now: up to No. 3. The work we did on Shutdown Corner is, for my money, the best athlete blogging ever. He also caught a career-high 83 passes for a career-high 849 yards and actually showed his penis on the Internet.
2. Jim Zorn — If you’d asked me a year ago what Jim Zorn does for a living, I’d have had no idea. Working the card show circuit, I may have guessed. Yet here he is, head coach of THE team in D.C. and originator of so many memes: “Maroon & Black”, “Stay Medium”, “Hip Hip Hooray” and “Zorn Star” among them. All of which we slapped onto t-shirts, btw.
1. Clinton Portis — He debuted new characters, battled with Brian Mitchell, insulted his head coach, modeled for us and strengthened his standing as one of the best RBs ever. He was No. 1 last year, is No. 1 this year and will remain No. 1 so long as he’s leading the Sons of Washington.
Honorable mentions: Ryan Zimmerman, Art Monk, Lastings Milledge, Caron Butler, Fred Smoot, Jason Campbell, JaVale McGee, Dan Steinberg
Apologies to: D.C. United, every single college team in the area