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Football Players Are Not Like Us
By Chris Mottram | November 25, 2008
Today in stuff athletes do that will not happen in your everyday life comes this story of a dry-humping, ball-punching prank, as told by Chris Cooley:
Last Thursday in practice we were working on our run game and one of our guys fell down as the play ended. … I don’t really know why, but I thought it would be funny as hell to air hump him in while he was down … I was even nice enough to make sure he wasn’t really hurt before I moved in behind him. As I finished off and made my way back to the huddle I heard about half the team erupt in laughter, really I didn’t expect any reaction, but apparently it was noticed by everyone.
See what he did there? He acted like he was having anal sex with a teammate, but really he wasn’t ’cause that would be soooo ghaaaay. Brilliant! Of course, there’s payback for this sort of thing:
After Sunday nights game I was getting all kinds of hell about what was going to happen to me when I fell asleep on the plane due to the whole air humping thing. You know, asses on your face, dicks drawn on you forehead, or the very popular picture of you sleeping with someone’s balls touching you then getting the photo texted to your phone in the morning prank. So I went back to entertain a little pre-plane wrestling match and take care of business. Before I knew it I was held down on the floor being manhandled and punched in the crotch, oh yea, I got air humped in retaliation while I was down too.
I’ve always found this interesting: What separates us more from professional athletes, their inhuman athletic abilities or the middle school locker room environment they’ve never left? In his post, Cooley ponders how “hilarious” it is to imagine a typical office worker complaining to HR about a colleague punching him in the nuts, which only serves to further illustrate the divide between them (the players) and us (the desk jockey fans). We wouldn’t even think of punching another male in the balls, hypothetically or otherwise, because that shit hasn’t been funny since we were 13, assuming it ever was.
Yet, despite the fact that we could not be more different from them, we continue to blindly support them every Sunday and go on assuming we’re part of the same team — that we’re in this thing together. But really, they’re just doing what they’ve always done — running fast, hitting hard, punching nutsacks — while we use them for our own diversions from the “normal workplace” of which Cooley speaks.
/Making a big deal out of nothing.
See also: With Leather, which chose to appreciate Cooley’s story for its candidness and use of the word “penis.” In hindsight, that is probably the route I should’ve taken as well.
Topics: Deep Thoughts, Chris Cooley, Redskins |
11 Responses to “Football Players Are Not Like Us”
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November 25th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Sure they’re like us. I mean, they have blogs, don’t they?
November 25th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
If there were a such thing as “hindsight” in blogging, I wouldn’t have a picture of Cooley’s cockhead as my computer wallpaper right now.
Thanks, Captain Chaos!
November 25th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I would air hump any one of you in a second if the opportunity presented itself.
/Immediately regrets comment.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Nutshots aren’t acceptable?
That explains that nonpromotion…
/Calls HR
November 25th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
hmm… perhaps I should wear a cup to office.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
“With Leather, which chose to appreciate Cooley’s story for its candidness and use of the word “penis.” In hindsight, that is probably the route I should’ve taken as well.”
True. For some reason you hate on everything we do lately. You are starting to remind me of a Dallas fan Chris.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Yep, aside from the (mostly) Redskins blog I write, the three Washington jerseys hanging in my closet, my framed Sean Taylor towel above my television and these incredibly comfortable Skins slippers I’m wearing right now, I’m just like a Dallas fan.
Just because I don’t love everything the Cooleys do, doesn’t mean I’m not a fan of the Redskins … or of No. 47. Between here and my work at TSB, I give the Cooley Zone blog just as much positive pub as I do negative. Not like it should matter to Chris Cooley either way.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Please show me the positive.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
How about you just dig through the archives here and at TSB yourself if you’re so concerned. Putting together a list of all the nice things I’ve said about Chris Cooley isn’t high on my priority list tonight.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I’m fairly certain I’ve witnessed Chris Mottram air-humping a fellow blogger.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:13 am
The difference is that no one thought that was funny.