Troy Aikman Is an ‘Inbred’ Gym Rat
By Jamie Mottram | September 8, 2008
You may read that headline and think it’s payback for the Skins getting their asses waxed in Week 1 while Dallas left a bootprint on the Browns. But no, this isn’t spiteful, and Troy Aikman doesn’t mean what he said on the back of his sweaty, mulleted, catalog male model-style 1991 Pro Line that way. He just meant inbred like “naturally inherent; innate.” Of course he did.
Topics: Wordsmiths, Cardboard Icons, Dallas Sucks | No Comments »
Zorn and W Are Homeboys
By Chris Mottram | September 7, 2008
At the risk of upsetting our readers’ delicate sensibilities by pushing our “political agenda,” we must admit that we could think of better ways for Zorn to endear himself to us (manis and pedis with Jimmy Johnson, maybe?) than doing this:
Jim Zorn, second right, steps out of the presidential motorcade after arriving at the White House, Sunday, Sept. 7, 2008, in Washington. Zorn spent the morning biking with President Bush.
At first, we were all “WTF?” about this — Zorn and W going for a bike ride together? But then we realized that there is a simple explanation for why the two would quickly become friends: Game recognize game, playboy. Besides, Zorn deserves a day off. The team is so fucked right now, that there’s nothing he’s gonna find in a film room that’ll fix this debacle. Might as well go for a ride. Actually, change “Zorn” to “Bush,” and we’ve got ourselves a nice metaphor here.
Topics: Zorn Star, Redskins | 5 Comments »
Countdown to Epic Fail: T-Minus 12
By Chris Mottram | September 6, 2008
With the Nats on the cusp of their first 100-loss season, we will countdown to the momentous occasion here after each loss leading up to the milestone.
When you’ve witnessed, and been forced to write full stories about, 88 Nationals loses, you must come up with creative ways to insult the starting pitching. Chico Harlan did not let us down after last night’s 10-5 loss:
Bergmann (2-11) retired eight Atlanta hitters, which was the extent of the good news. He also allowed seven runs, three scoring after Marco Estrada replaced him. He gave up five hits, struck out two and walked three. Atlanta disposed of him with a mix of hitting and observation. Sure, the Braves swung: Three consecutive batters started the third with hits. But they also just watched.
I just picture Chico getting into his car after writing these articles from the stadium, screaming “MOTHERFUCKER!!!111!11!” at the top of his lungs and banging his head into the steering wheel eight times before starting the engine. It’s either that or take it out on the wife and kids.
Epic Failure of the Game: Jason Bergmann, natch. 2 1/3, five hits, three walks, seven earned, all of which made his last outing (4 1/3, six earned) look like a Cy Young performance.
Topics: Countdown to Epic Fail, Nationals | No Comments »
O’s Tank and Re-Sign Trembley, or That’s Not Change, That’s More of the Same
By Jamie Mottram | September 6, 2008
Amidst seven straight losses, Baltimore is bringing back skipper Dave Trembley for an encore performance in 2009:
The Orioles were 44-41 on July 4 and 60-63 on Aug. 17, but injuries have contributed to a 1-11 slide that dropped their record to 63-76.
No! You don’t say! Let me get this straight: The O’s started strong, hung around and then had the ass drop out of their season? Where o where have we seen this before?
Oh, that’s right, the past decade of Orioles baseball. Cheers to Bill Shatner though, and good to see him exuding team spirit with that fancy timepiece.
Topics: Infinite Sadness, Dave Trembley, Orioles, High Fashion | 1 Comment »
You Can Remember Last Night … Forever
By Chris Mottram | September 5, 2008
Holy shit, last night was awesome, right? Sure, the Redskins couldn’t have looked worse and the game left us with absolutely nothing whatsoever to be optimistic about for the rest of the season, but our team totally kicked off the 2008 season! Trust me, bros, that’s not something you’re gonna want to forget. You definitely need something to remember last night by. Well, don’t worry, Snyder and Co. have just the keepsake you need. Behold, the 2008 kickoff t-shirt, which is the perfect compliment to last season’s wild card tee:
Or, you could just buy a Snyder Sucks shirt from us for about the same price. It probably more accurately expresses how you’re feeling today.
Topics: Snyder Sucks, High Fashion, Redskins | 7 Comments »
Countdown to Epic Fail: T-Minus 13
By Chris Mottram | September 5, 2008
With the Nats on the cusp of their first 100-loss season, we will countdown to the momentous occasion here after each loss leading up to the milestone.
Another shutout (no. 21, but who’s counting?) and another National lost for the season. This time, it was Ronnie Belliard, who left with a right groin strain in the Nats’ 2-0 loss to the Braves. On the sorta, kinda, maybe positive side, 21-year-old rookie Shairon Martis made his major league debut and only gave up two runs through five innings. He also threw exactly 50% balls, and had five walks to two strikeouts. He’s from the Netherlands though, so that’s kinda cool, I guess.
Epic Failure of the Game:Â Christian Guzman, who was 0-3 with three strikeouts and a caught stealing on top.
Previously: 14
Topics: Countdown to Epic Fail, Infinite Sadness, Nationals | 3 Comments »
Redskins-Giants Winners & Losers
By Jamie Mottram | September 4, 2008
Where we hand out labels following each Skins game. Sadly, today’s case is a 16-7 loss at New York …
LOSERS: Jim Zorn — The offense never got going. At all. And the passing game looked real bad. They were also running the ball and huddling up in the final minutes, down two scores. And here I thought the clock management issues left with Gibbs.
Jason Campbell — Struggled mightily throughout and didn’t record his first completion until late in the first half. The future is dim.
Carlos Rogers — Got waxed by Plax to the tune of 10 catches, 133 yards and dropped two potential INTs. Still, good to see him playing again.
LaRon Landry — Got run over by Brandon Jacobs something terrible, and NBC replayed it about a dozen times. Later missed an open-field tackle on Jacobs while trying to get low. Again, it’s still good to see him out there.
Fred Smoot — Got called for pass interference in the endzone and gave up an easy 23-yarder on 3rd-and-7 in the 2nd. Later dropped an INT in the endzone before catching one later and then leaving after taking a knee to the back. So, yeah, a lot going on there. Most of it bad.
Chris Cooley — Poor blocking. One catch for 7 yards. Good blog though.
Durant Brooks — Tough first game (37.9 per on 7 punts).
WINNERS: Santana Moss — Turned a nice underneath cross into a TD, then turned a circus catch into another TD … wait, what’s that? The refs blew the play dead and Michaels and Madden never mentioned it again? Yeah, that was fun. As was ‘Tana’s crucial dropped pass late in the game.
Clinton Portis — For the amazing chip-block that flattened Kiwanuka, and also for a hard fought 84 yards rushing. Also for the mohawk.
Andre Carter — Forced Eli’s INT with pressure, and later sacked him.
Chris Wilson — Treated Chris Snee like a turnstile for a big sack on a 3rd-and-7 in the 4th.
Antwaan Randle El — I just love the way he merrily says, “Antwaan Randle El, Indiana” during the intros. Of course, he later committed not one but two false starts and performed one of his patented horizontal punt returns. So maybe not a winner.
Rock Cartwright — His 50-yard kick return led to the team’s only points.
Shaun Suisham — Put his first kickoff into the endzone. (Progress!)
NFL Network — For using the Smiths’ Morrissey’s “Every Day Is Like Sunday” in an ad. (The Smiths may also be a loser for this same reason.)
Old Spice — For the Swagger commercial where Brian Urlacher plays an ex-LARPer, just because LARPing is a serious passion of mine.
NEXT: New Orleans at Washington Sunday 9/14, 1 p.m. ET
UPDATE: Hey, it’s Chris here. I wrote my thoughts over at The Sporting Blog, if you’re interested in being further depressed.
Topics: Winners & Losers, Redskins | 21 Comments »
The Zorn Star Is Prepared for Kickoff
By Jamie Mottram | September 4, 2008
God bless Agent Steinz for spotting this male model outside Giants Stadium today. (Reminder: Get your Zorn Star tee in time for the home opener!!!)
We’ll be back after the game with Winners & Losers. Until then, check out MJD’s live blog, and, in case you’re wondering, I’ll be wearing Smoot.
Topics: Zorn Star, High Fashion, Agent Steinz, Redskins | 6 Comments »