Just because you’re not a fan of these eight teams doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have rooting interests this October. So here’s the tutorial for figuring out which bandwagons to ride.
It’s for those of us without skin in — or money on — the game, and believe me, as an O’s and Nats fan, I have some experience with this. Away we go ….
Phillies-Rockies NLDS: I have this thing about ’90s expansion teams winning the World Series. More specifically, I don’t like it. But even more loathsome are Philly fans, the insufferable douchebags (IDBs) that they are. So despite being down with a number of their players (see: Antonio Alfonseca), this is an easy pick. Here’s to our enemies’ enemies! Who to root for: Colorado.
Cubs-Diamondbacks NLDS: The only good thing about Arizona winning the World Series in ’01 is that it came at the expense of the Yankees. Other than that, I think we can all agree that a team with no history and/or fanbase should ever win a world championship. Also, can anyone name more than five D-backs? (Disclaimer: Orlando Hudson is tight.) Who to root for: Chicago.
Red Sox-Angels ALDS: I can’t believe I’m doing this, but Anaheim doesn’t need another World Series. Their stadium, it’s too Disney. Their fanbase, middling. Their time zone, late. (Sorry, Vlad.) Who to root for: Boston.
Indians-Yankees ALDS: As much as [insert media company here] loves it, a Sox-Yanks ALCS is too revolting to witness. Unless, of course, it forces all involved to realize that baseball needs a salary cap so that other teams (specifically those in the AL East) have a prayer. Who to root for: Cleveland.
Cubs-Rockies NLCS: Really, I just want to see as many playoff games at Wrigley as possible. Plus, Lou Piniella and Bill Murray are always nice. Who to root for: Chicago.
Red Sox-Indians ALCS: It’s at this point that we, as baseball fans, must turn on Red Sox Nation. Boston spends way too much money and their fans are far too caustic, plus we have a great alternative here in the Tribe. C.C. Sabathia and Travis Hafner are ready for their closeup, like we thought Cory Snyder and Joe Carter were back in ’87. Who to root for: Cleveland.
Cubs-Indians World Series: Tough call, but wouldn’t you rather live in a world where the Cubs are still loveable losers and Cleveland has known sporting glory? I would. Who to root for: Cleveland.