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How To Quit The Redskins Cold Turkey

Here to collect his winnings from correctly predicting the Redskins-49ers game is JP.

dan-snyder-ap-richard-lipski

The “breaking point,” “the straw that broke the camel’s back,” “one toke over the line,” wait, what? Yeah, if you’re a fan of the Redskins and their broke-dick, cheese-eating, high school-boy (thank you, Canadian power poppers, The Pursuit Of Happiness) mentality and clueless approach to organization, you’ve probably hit the above referenced metaphors at some time in the last milieu, no matter how eternally optimistic the sunshine blazing out of your ass would like to say otherwise. And once that sunshine has been squelched and you’re left with nothing more than a singed bunghole and a depressingly unhealthy mindset that leaves you sitting alone in a darkened room, Evan Williams spilled all over the floor, and you furiously spinning the chamber wondering how it came to this and could there possibly be a way out that doesn’t involve storming The Danny’s castle armed for bear or sucking a bullet out of the business end of a forty-five, well the answer is yes, yes there is.

Now the answer I’m going to offer up may seem to some to be even more egregious and immoral than the previously aforementioned scenarios involving death, murder, mayhem and all sorts of nuclear weapons aimed at The Little Fuckface; the solution, a pill that’s so bitter to swallow even the dipshit Imagineers at Disney and nerds at Industrial Light and Magic could never, ever conceive of it.

What is it, you ask yourself that could be so horrendous, so terrifying that it could send both NFL fans and H. P. Lovecraft aficionados screaming into the night and jumping into the abyss? The answer, gentle reader, is turning in your Redskins card, dropping all rooting interest in the team you grew up cheering for. It means hanging up your jerseys, peeling the stickers off of your car, donating your t-shirts and hats to Goodwill. I’m not gonna blow resinous smoke up your nether regions, it’s a hard road to embark upon, no matter how many cases of Flying Dog Imperial Porter you have on hand to weather the storm. The fuck of it is though, deep down inside, you know you’ve gotta cut that treacherous, all-encompassing, all-consuming football cancer outta your life, the same cancer that eats a wee bit more of your heart and mind with every Existence Crushing Interception, every Demoralizing Defensive Breakdown, every Soul-Abusing Gaffe.

I know you can do it because I hung up the telephone on these fucksticks a few years ago and haven’t regretted a single minute of my former fandom. I threw out the baby, the bathwater, and the whole friggin’ tub right out the window during the clusterfuck that was the Mike Shanahan regime. Somehow, Shanny managed to come off as less worthy than two of the biggest busts in the Redskins remarkable history of muffing personnel decisions — yes, I’m reminding you of the Mcnabb/Haynesworth era no matter how much crotch-shrinking pain it induces. I’d. Had. Enough! I renounced my membership, hung up my jerseys, packed away my team knick-knacks and resolved to fulfill my football rooting interests through the members of my various fantasy teams. And wow! What a difference it makes in not having to carry that Black Hole Of Suck around on your shoulders every weekend during football season. Nirvana! Glorious unrepentant nirvana, my friends! I’m no longer burdened by whatever effluent washes from the sewers of FedEx on Sunday and quickly overflows all the media outlets in town trailing a cacophony of mouth-breathing idiots in its wake as the shit slowly recedes to whence it came.

Look, there are always going to be naysayers that proclaim you can’t give up on the franchise that you were born or practically born into. They’ll throw all kinds of obtuse arguments at you which all generally boil down to the effect that you’re constitutionally mandated to never give up on your team, or heaven forbid, change your rooting interests to ANOTHER TEAM! Words like “quitter,” “loser,” “bandwagon-jumper” will be bandied about. Other more derogatory terms may tossed in your general direction. Ignore ’em.

Many people who ride the Misery Train do so in the knowledge that others are as emotionally drained as they are and they can’t stand the fact that someone is willing to climb out of the hellhole that they themselves can’t recognize or acknowledge. Misery truly does love company, a fact that the Little Generalissimo is fully counting on to keep his pockets full of your coins. Fuck him. Fuck his army of clueless sheep dressed in managerial clothes. Fuck your friends who say you can’t go your own way. Fuck rumor-mongering douchebags working from the inside out to spin organizational dysfuntion as a product of the players rather than the “adults” supposedly in charge of this chaotic goat rodeo.

Take the step. Walk across the street to the other side and don’t look back. That funky force that’s making you squint your eyes?? That’s the sunshine! You’re welcome. Enjoy your newfound unchained freedom.

(Ed. note: Remember to enter our Best-Worst Redskins Jerseys contest!)

D.C. sports fan and digital media guy that's been doing this since 2004. Once threw a football further than Chris Cooley.

14 Comments

14 Comments

  1. Z

    December 3, 2014 at 11:32 PM

    But just like me you really just want your team back, the one that Dan Snyder has stolen from us and broken possibly beyond repair. Quick story: The last game I attended was S.D. last year and I was pretty sick but still made it. Staff/security told me I had to throw out my cough drops b/c I was not allowed to bring in food. I protested and more staff told me the same. Finally after a scene was made I was allowed in only after a higher up came over admitted that cough drops are not food and are not sold at FedEx. I will probably never go back and this is after 30+ games there since ’97. I play more golf now on Sundays and maybe tape the game for later. I care more about my fantasy football team than I do the Redskins now. Thanks Dan!

  2. John Jacob heymerschmidt

    December 3, 2014 at 11:55 PM

    The best thing that coulda woulda shoulda happened was a few years ago when there was the father son tandem known in the press as the dc snipers….they should have been given snyders home address.

    At this point, it comes to this….sniper attack, bear attack, hit by a bus, or get caught saying n-words or better yet red people shouldn’t be allowed to attend his teams games as guests of his wife. That’s what we need

  3. homesliced

    December 4, 2014 at 12:50 AM

    As if some other team, or the NFL at large, is any different. It isnt, we just have the most egregious and visible issue of a team over which to take a moral stand. The whole sport is going the way of camel dollars or whatever.

  4. SiPhi

    December 4, 2014 at 1:17 AM

    What I got from this is:

    You can go your own waaaayyyy (go your own waaAAyy)

  5. dingovb

    December 4, 2014 at 10:19 AM

    nah.

  6. dingovb

    December 4, 2014 at 10:56 AM

    in fact, a big nah.

    This is my team! The one my dad grew up cheering for, the one my grandparents cheer for, the one we all complain about over Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas ham.

    It’s a sport, and I’m watching and cheering for 53 people and a handful of coaches. The Redskins do not have the capacity to ruin my life (even on days like the one where Seattle broke RG3 for good or Michael Vick slaughtered us on MNF while I wore my brand new John Riggins jersey in a crowded bar).

    I mean, I get it: It’s generally perceived as funny in 2014 to exaggerate and use hyperbole to make a point. You want to stand out and make an impression. For example, in this post and subsequent comments, I’m reading that people want Dan Snyder dead, murdered, stricken with Ebola, etc., which, again, I get: hyperbole (at least I hope).

    The Redskins, when they win, bring me happiness. I don’t blame the owner for all of the Redskins problems, and even if I did and could, I would not allow anything he did to ruin my connection to this team.

    To continue to the theme of hyperbole: I will look forward to talking to you in 30 years, me wearing my same, faded #44 Redskins (or whatever they are called at the time) jersey and you sporting the shiny, new Los Angeles Football Team jersey. During this conversation, I will look forward to asking you “So why did you stop rooting for Washington?” and you answering with some variation of the following: “Because of Dan Snyder.” And we will laugh, because Dan Snyder is just a guy that you never knew that probably isn’t around anymore and he changed your life.

  7. PS16

    December 4, 2014 at 3:12 PM

    ^^^ This

  8. Nate

    December 4, 2014 at 3:29 PM

    Slowly….very slowly am I getting to that point.

  9. Rum Burner

    December 4, 2014 at 10:35 PM

    Look up the word “milieu”. It doesn’t mean what you think it means.

    • Rum Burner

      December 4, 2014 at 10:39 PM

      Other than that, yeah. Discouraged.

  10. DocJ

    December 5, 2014 at 10:38 AM

    There is a place in between die hard fan and not a fan at all. Its called casual fan. You care, but not enough to actually ruin your day if they lose. You may get a few things for your birthday or christmas with the name on it, but you do not actively pay for things or wear them out of the house. You still cannot stand those douchebag Eagles or Ravens fans and still hope their teams lose horribly. You still hate the Cowboys with a passion and laugh at ole Eli and his faces after 5 int’s. You can laugh at the Swinging Gate, the Colts Game, the Chiefs game last year, the World Cup Beer and those numbnuts sitting in traffic to actually attend Fed Ex, offseason champs. But you stay far far far away from Fed Ex. You still get to talk about Gibbs 1, ST, Art Monk, The Hogs, The Posse, Darrell Green, Riggo, the Smurfs, the good ole days. I may one day switch back to a die hard fan and it will not take much. Just a competent team able to compete every weekend and to spend more time out of the news then in it. A chance to win 7-9 games every year. But hell, as long as the game is on TV or DirectTv continues to keep giving me Sunday Ticket for free I will watch. Those years from 1981-1992 will continue to get me high on Sundays and keep me around. Im stuck, until the team doesn’t exist anymore or I am dead…

    • Phil R.

      December 5, 2014 at 5:54 PM

      This is me, too.

      It’s almost too much effort to switch teams, too much effort to actively abandon the team and so by sheer inertia I am resolved to just shrug and wait for next year.

      Outside of TV revenues that Dan Snyder shares in, he gets none of my money.

  11. Snyder's Bitch

    December 6, 2014 at 12:27 AM

    When my dad, in his 70’s, moved from DC to be near me in St. Louis this past year, he packed up a few of my childhood things that I left behind. Things that I knew I was leaving, but that I thought I could live without. He packed them up in a Redskins duffle bag, the kind that Mobil was giving away with $1.00 a gallon gas sometime long ago. I want to quit, but I can’t. The Redskins, as well as Northern Virginia, are my childhood- expunging them would leave too many holes. I hate watching Snyder kill my childhood, but I’m in it until the end.

  12. Snyder's Bitch

    December 6, 2014 at 12:35 AM

    I can say this though- F*** you Dan. F*** you. You’ve taken something that I loved and turned it into a farce. Your incompetence is so complete that you think you are succeeding. If you really love the Redskins like we do, let them go. Keep a 20% stake so you can get your rocks off on Sunday like a good little One Percenter, but give the team back to someone who can make the it once again worthy to reflect its past glory. I’ll even share my duffle bag with you if you do.

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