Handing out labels after Skins games, this time a oh god I don’t know what am I doing with my life 23-17 loss to the Ravens.
WINNERS
Keenan Robinson – Was all over the field, living up to the generally favorable reports he’s been getting all preseason. Notable plays included a 4th & 1 stop on the Ravens first drive and shutting down an end-around on the next drive. Looks like a major upgrade over the last year of London Fletcher.
Jason Hatcher – Finally got on the field post-surgery, and immediately helped lead to Joe Flacco looking pressured and harassed. So for at least one preseason game, he looks like exactly the kind of impact free agent signing the team was hoping for.
Trent Murphy – Bull-rushed his way into a sack and basically made a nuisance of himself all night. Promising preseason continues for the rookie.
Andre Roberts – Had just one punt return for 23 yards, but it’s been a long drought between decent punt returners, so it seemed disproportionately incredible.
Kirk Cousins – I guess. I dunno. He went 14 for 20 for 122 yards and 2 touchdowns, but the Ravens’ top 3 corners were already out to start the game, so lord only knows who Cousins was throwing against. But … sure. He moved the ball. RG3 didn’t (SPOILER: see “Losers,” below). I dunno. I am so glad I don’t have to field emails and comments about the team this week.
People With Hot Takes About RG3 – Possibly the biggest winners of the whole night.
LOSERS
First-team offense – These guys were terrible, almost without exception. They opened with a strong Alfred Morris run, then threw an interception negated by penalty, had a bunch of no-gains, and settled for a field goal. They still haven’t scored a touchdown this preseason. There were good plays negated by penalties. Miscues. Oddities. False starts. Another near-interception (which also would’ve been negated by penalty), and then an actual interception. Oh, and Griffin was sacked 3 times. I am basically clinging to Bill Barnwell’s “preseason is meaningless” article like it is a floating door and I am a spunky, ahead-of-my-time rich girl who doesn’t want to marry Billy Zane.
Tress Way – Is a punter. Punted poorly.
The TV broadcast – Was apparently engaged in a duel to the death with the starting offense to see who could be worse at their jobs. Probably lost that competition, but not by much. In the first half, the broadcast spent an inordinate amount of time talking about how much Griffin has improved — stepping into his throws! working with Terry Shea! — while he put up terrible numbers. Joe Theismann repeatedly claimed to be unable to distinguish between Steve Smith and Santana Moss, and then compared Nick Williams to Wes Welker, Danny Amendola, and Julian Edelman, inexplicably failing to mention dozens of other famous white people. And Ken Harvey remains the worst sideline reporter in recorded human history, which is saying something if you remember Eric Dickerson’s work in that role.
Robert Griffin III – No way to spin it. He looked awful. Indecisive, inaccurate, overwhelmed, and maybe overcoached. But worse than losing a preseason game, he has now doomed us all to a week of lunatic quarterback controversy.
MEDIUM
Brandon Meriweather – Started off seeming active, and possibly improved. Made a nice stop in the backfield. Then he turned back into Brandon Meriweather, got called for a helmet-to-helmet hit, then fell down in coverage to give up a long gain. But he’s medium because, honestly, this is who he is, and he did a perfectly average job of being Brandon Meriweather.
#RedskinsFacts – Put together a well-produced, genuinely compelling commercial supporting their near-lunatic insistence on keeping the team name. On the other hand, its primary argument also seemed to boil down to “The Redskins name isn’t nearly as big a problem as poverty, alcoholism, or sub-par health care,” which … I mean, sure, that’s one approach you could take, but it’s not setting yourself a particularly high standard to match.
