Category Archives: Irrelevance

Charlotte’s Luxury Boxes Are Luxurious

Because I have had countless readers and groupies family members ask me how Charlotte is going, I thought I’d hit you with a little update.

I arrived in the Queen City exactly one week ago. I knew I was gonna like it here at Sporting News after my first conversation with the building’s doorman/security guard/ball buster. We were discussing football. He asked me what team I like. I said “Redskins,” to which he responded with, “Awww snap, y’all got whooped!” His favorite team? The Dolphins. Clearly, Miami fans wish for us all to be as miserable as them.

Tuesday through Thursday was spent working, drinking, eating and enjoying the friendly staff of the Uptown Charlotte Residence Inn. They clean my dishes for me and don’t steal beer out of my fridge, so they’re okay in my book. I’ll be out of the Inn on the 28th and moving into my apartment. Three weeks in a hotel is awesome. Then, on Friday, I was in for a serious treat: The Bobcats home opener against Easy Yi and the Bucks.

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Oh, and did I mention my seats were in the company’s luxury box? Yeah, no big deal. Although I probably spent about half of the game watching the Wiz get crushed by the Celtics. I did, however, see Michael Ruffin’s alien domepiece get some minutes at the end of the game. And Adam Morrison (who was impeccably dressed) and Sean May are totally BFFs for life.

My first week ended with me spending eight hours at a sports bar watching football yesterday. The previous night, a local told me “this is Charlotte! If you don’t like the Panthers, you can get the f–k out!” Needless to say, I was a bit uneasy about wearing my Campbell jesery into such hostile territory. All was well though, and the bar had domestic pitchers for $5. Or $1.50 pints of Natty Light, if you’d prefer. This is indeed a good place. Come visit.

Junkies Wish to Make Peace With Mr. I

peacepipe.jpgFor the fourth different time (that I’m aware of) Mr. Irrelevant was a topic of discussion on D.C. sports radio show “The Junkies” today. As you may recall, we had a little spat with them a few weeks back. You know, the one in which I said I didn’t like the show and they retaliated by calling my brother and I “faggots” on air.

Well, today our good friend Agent Steinz was on their program, and the following was said (mp3 here):

Junkies: “We offended the world famous Mottram brothers somehow, they were very upset with us, and quite frankly, we got a kick out of it. Anytime the bloggers mention us, we think that’s hilarious. The one beef I have with the bloggers is they feel like they have the market cornered on sarcasm. And I don’t really think that’s true. A lot of times, I don’t think they really get our shtick.”

Steinz: “I think they get it. You guys did call them some hefty names though, I will say that.”

Junkies: “They said we’re the worst sports radio show they’d ever heard. I mean, how are we supposed to react to that? We didn’t take to that too kindly, but at the end of the day, we didn’t care.”‘

Junkies: “I’m sure they’re good guys. What they don’t get is we don’t really care. We’ll say something, go to break, and nobody cares. But I don’t know that they quite get that.”

Steinz: “I think you guys would all get along if you were in a bar somewhere, drinking beer and watching the Redskins.”

Junkies: “Well, I would like to get along with the bloggers. I’m willing to make peace. I’ll smoke a peace pipe with them.”

A few things here. First, we’re actually universally famous, not world famous. Second, they’re right, bloggers do corner the market on sarcasm. Case in point: Me calling their show the worst sports radio program ever. Third, they have it flipped. What they don’t get is that we don’t care. See, we touched on the “feud” between us and them one time. They, as previously mentioned, have talked about it at least four times.

But finally, or I guess fifth, I agree with Steinz. I bet we would get along with them over some Redskins viewing and a few beers. As long as they’re paying. Now pass that peace pipe to the left hand side.

Observing the First 1,000 Witty Comments

i-love-nerds.jpgEarlier today, Mr. I-495 registered its 1,000 comment since moving to WordPress a few months ago. Fittingly, the mile-marking comment is one telling us just how wrong we are about something, and that’s OK. We don’t have editors around these parts and need readers to keep us in check and also in stitches, even if I don’t understand that saying.

To celebrate, after the jump are five funnies from blog posts past. If you’re someone who left one of these or has left other comments or never even comments at all, we thank you. Doing this is fun for nerds like us, and knowing other people are enjoying themselves makes it even better.

Continue reading Observing the First 1,000 Witty Comments

Mottram Brothers Road Trip to Wise, VA

Sorry friends, but you’re going to have to go three days without any new posts around these parts. Jamie and I headed to Wise, VA in the morning to party for the weekend with the youngest Mottram (yes, there’s a third; no, he doesn’t blog), and I’m fairly certain they’ve never heard of the internet down there. Beef, as we’ve called him since about age six, goes to the aptly named UVA at Wise. It’s six hours from D.C. in the most middle of nowhere place I’ve ever been in my life, but they know how to party.

For example, last time we went, this co-ed found a pair of jumper cables. Nothing interesting about that at all. Until she decided to attached them to her nipples. The rest of the weekend (and I imagine the rest of her life) we referred to her simply as “Jump Start My Titties.” Needless to say, I don’t plan on my car breaking down, but I’m certainly bringing my jumper cables.

Anyway, we shall return sometime Sunday with some more exciting tales to tell. Until then, don’t be afraid to come back to Mr. I just for fun. We can always use the page views. We are f’ing slaves to page views. Peep our archives. They’re just as awesome the second time around.

I hope you enjoy your weekend as much as we will.

Mr. Irrelevant Is Apparently ‘Untouchable’

untouchables.jpgA site that I had previously not heard of called The Nosebleeds has decided to post about a 1,000 word rant more or less blasting KSK and Dan Shanoff, but also targeting Mr. Irrelevant, among others. It’s obviously quite long-winded, so you can go read it for yourself, but this is the bit that includes us:

There is a condescending attitude towards you if you’re not one of the ‘untouchables’. These people are people like Dan Shanoff, Nation of Islam Sports Blog, Deadspin, KSK (like I’ve mentioned), Mr. Irrelevant, Free Darko, AOL Fanhouse, With Leather, The Dugout, basically the pundits that Kissing Suzy Kolber links.

It gets far more insulting than that, and while I completely disagree with just about everything Nosebleeds writes, I’m not going to rip the guy (or girl) apart for the post. I’m not in the business of bashing other bloggers, but that’s just me. Although I would offer Nosebleeds this advice.

And if nothing else, at least Nosebleeds finally got a link from a member of what he refers to as the “blogger circle jerk.”

Update: Lady Andrea of Ladies… fame suggests in the Deadspin comments section that “Mottram” is Costner. I can only assume she means me, not Jamie, seeing as I’m far more handsome and gangster.

Michael Vick Couldn’t Help Himself, Virginia Is Just Too Damn Gangsta

vaad.jpgThe Virginia Tourism Corp. has apparently decided to embrace its gangster-ass roots with a new ad campaign. The campaign, which was created by an agency based near Vick’s hometown in Virginia Beach, features various models doing “Virginia stuff” (you know, mashing grapes, dressing up like a colonial solider, and other things I’ve never seen anyone do in my 25 years in this great state) while creating a heart gang sign with their hands:

“The agency received e-mails this week pointing out that the gesture is flashed by members of Gangster Disciples, also known as Black Gangster Disciples. The Chicago-based group is known for its large-scale crack-cocaine operation.”

Of course, The Wire and the entire Baltimore area in general still makes Maryland slightly mo’ gangsta, but between this ad campaign and large-scale crack/dogfighting operations, we shall soon catch up.

(My apologies for making light of the Vick dogfighting stuff, but I really just don’t give a shit about it.)

‘Do Da Math, Do Da Homework’

ducttap.jpgThis has absolutely nothing to do with sports (other than one man’s love for booze, and another’s love for swinging clubs at people), but it’s a slow sports day god dammit, and this shit is hilarious:

“Police say Kasey Kazee walked in to the store with duct tape wrapped around his head to conceal his face. Fortunately, store manager Bill Steele had some duct tape of his own. Steel had a wooden club wrapped with duct tape that eventually sent the suspect fleeing the store.”

In print form, the story is only mildly entertaining, but the article from our sophisticated brethren to the west features video of the “alleged” duct tape bandit. He offers a compelling defense at the 1:20 mark that is just about the most hilarious thing ever.

(Offerman slide show stolen from Deadspin)

Update: Holy shit, there’s a ‘Not No Duct Tape Bandit’ remix on YouTube.

Brian Urlacher > Bret Michaels

It was just two short weeks ago that the the startling revelation (using that term loosely) was made right here on Mr. I that Erin from Rock of Love is indeed the same girl whose chesticle was attached to Brian Urlacher’s right hand in this infamous photo:

But now Erin is off the show after Bret Michaels — who shockingly loves the Steelers — chose Heather, the 30-something stripper exotic dancer, over her. Erin didn’t leave without some final air time, however. On her way out she hinted at the fact that she has known Urlacher in the biblical sense, or at the very least, enjoys pleasuring celebrities.

See, Erin was upset because Justin Timberlake was going to be at the club where she waitresses (OMG!), but she was stuck in the house with 10 other whores and a douchebag, and thus would be unable to serve (in more ways than one) J.T. Michaels subsequently gave Urlacher’s girl the boot for being upset about it. Makes perfect sense, I know.

Anywho, as Erin is taking the walk of shame, Heather calls her a “starfucker.” Erin’s response: “I’ve had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.” Does Urlacher qualify as bigger and better than Michaels? That’s up for debate, but he certainly has never worn an outfit this fabulous.

Sports Provide Cause for Xenophobia

This has nothing to do with the post other than there's a football in it.Don’t like America so much? That’s cool, just check out The Phat Phree’s list of The 50 Greatest Things About America, and you might change your mind, although you’re more likely to simply laugh and continue being a terrorist.

Naturally, there are several great sports-related things about America, which are as follows:

18. The Rodeo: “Let’s tie a rope around that bull’s nuts and see if you can ride it for eight-seconds.”
“Sounds awesome.”

14. Skipping work/school to go to Opening Day at the ballpark: An afternoon game on a sunny day in April is the best place on Earth, even if you don’t like baseball.

11. Hunting Season: Once a year we are free from rednecks as they are all out trying to kill defenseless animals for fun.

9. We don’t care about soccer.: You hear that ESPN? We don’t fucking care. Okay?

1. Football: Not only the greatest thing about America, football is the single greatest human achievement.

Of course, my favorite thing about America: “Even the poor people are fat.”

Urlacher Tit Grab Girl Is on ‘Rock of Love’

If you don’t watch VH1’s “Rock of Love,” then you totally need to start. Think “Flavor of Love,” but with Bret Michaels. A bunch of idiots with a bunch of booze, ill-fitting clothes, stipper poles, and swimming pools. It’s truly fantastic.

Anyway, I have made an amazing connection: The girl in the world-famous Brian Urlacher photo is indeed Erin from “Rock of Love.” Observe:

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The last time I was this certain about something, I turned out to be wrong, but this time I’m sure I’m right. Further evidence: Erin was Miss Hooters of Illinois 2002.

God bless this show. First they create a porn star, and now it comes to light that they have on the girl that Brian Urlacher sexually molested. Tremendous casting, VH1.

Update: Welcome, Extra Mustard users. Enjoy your stay as we, the brothers Mottram, hope you like what you see … and that our language wasn’t too “strong” for you.