I can’t say this for certain, but I believe this new Tiger Nike commercial, featuring his father’s voiceover, made its debut yesterday. You know, for Father’s Day and stuff. As much as I enjoy rooting against Woods, this one gave me the goosebumps:
I cannot argue with Mr. Woods on this one. After this weekend, I’m pretty much convinced that Tiger will never meet anyone who’s better at anything than him. Ever.
So I’m at a wedding shower this weekend, talking to someone who just moved back to D.C. after four years in Hawaii. We’re back in the cut (as Wilbon used to say), watching the couple open gifts, when he says to me, “Do you want to hear a story?” I say, “Sure.” And he says:
“Hawaii is the melting pot of the Pacific. There are all of these different cultures there, and, in some of those cultures, the people eat dogs. So a few months back, this guy goes golfing at one of the best courses on the island. He plays alone, but he brings his dog with him, which he leaves tied up at the clubhouse with a bowl of water.
After playing 18, he comes back for the dog, but the dog is gone. He asks around, and someone tells him they saw two members of the grounds crew walking off with the pup. So this guy calls the police, and they go to the ground crew guys’ house, where they discover that these two dudes barbecued and ate the dog.
They didn’t wait around or anything. They saw a dog tied up with a water bowl (obviously somebody’s pet), stole it and threw it on the spit. The guy was devastated. Pressed charges and everything. It was a national story, dude. Saw it in USA Today.”
I had to Google Yahoo! that shit, and it checks out; almost exactly like my buddy says. The guy’s name is Frank Manuma and his dog was Caddy, an eight-month old German Shepherd-Lab mix. The perps stole Caddy, slaughtered and ate him, then disposed of the carcass in a river. They were eventually indicted on theft and animal cruelty charges, which means up to five years in prison and a $10,000 fine, or not enough.
I’m a big fan of anytime Tiger Woods comes close to doing something that makes him seem like a normal human. This is one of those times, plus the clips of Charles Barkley’s golf swing are just painful hilarity:
John Daly is in perfect position to completely self-destruct at the PGA over the weekend. He shot a 3-under 67 in the first round and is two strokes back. That has to be due in large part to his excellent training regimen:
“The solid play left him in contention without the benefit of practice. Instead, Daly spent the early part of the week at a nearby casino playing slots … ‘I talked to Vijay at the British Open and he said he came in eight days early,’ Daly said. ‘I just can’t do that. I get burned out. I like spending time with my kids and family, riding in a golf cart. That’s how I get ready for a major.'”
Tiger does two-a-days to prepare for a major, Vijay shows up eight days early to practice, and Daly plays slots and rides in golf carts. To each his own. As you can imagine, this has him in better condition that Tiger:
“‘Everybody’s different,’ he explained of his less-is-more practice regimen. ‘I’m in better shape than Tiger.'”
What a guy. And the fact that he’s wearing a Hooters shirt just makes him that much more respectable.
If a professional athlete is about to implode on himself like a dying star, you better believe a Harrington will be in the wings, waiting to reap the benefits.*
We are all well aware by now that because Mike Vick hearts electrocuting dogs (and now he won’t even be allowed to attend camp), that Joey Harrington is in-line to be the Falcons starting QB this season. The man has been nothing short of a total bust — highlighted by a 68 passer rating last season — yet he has managed to luck his way into yet another starting role. He’s like Vincent Chase’s brother, except he’s not on a T.V. show that sucks so much, yet is so inexplicably popular.
Then there’s Joey’s second cousin, who happens to be Padriag Harrington. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Padriag deserved to win the British and all, but if Sergio didn’t have to wait 15 minutes to hit his second shot on 18, and had more “good breaks,” and hadn’t brought his Lightdays even though he was experiencing heavy flow on the back nine, then Paddy totally wouldn’t of had a chance.
Oh, but wait, there’s yet another Harrington: Joey’s other cousin pro poker player Dan Harrington. Dan’s only won $4.8 million playing in tournaments, not to mention the unknown amount he’s won in cash games.
So yeah, those Harringtons are a pretty lucky bunch of Irishmen. Am I jealous? Of course not. I mean, just the other day I found 10 bucks on the floor in the mall (true story!), so I have that going for me.
*Granted, I’m not sure what benefits one would actually reap from supernovae, but you know what I’m trying to say, dick.