Category Archives: Dallas Sucks

Redskins Cover the Spread, But Not T.O.

jc-statue-status.jpgTo paraphrase Chris, this was about as good a game as we could expect.

It sucks to lose, especially to Dallas, but the Redskins have proven — in this game and previously at Green Bay — that they can play with the NFC heavies. The trick now is actually winning five out of six to get into the playoffs.

Anyway, here are notes from the loss that was:

  • With Portis going nowhere, JC threw for 348 and just one INT on a pass he’ll always wish he’d never thrown. He and Romo will be running the NFC East for the next decade (sorry, Eli). Update: Mike Wise on Campbell’s big day.
  • Reed Doughty is a slight dropoff from Sean Taylor.
  • In the first half, Gibbs chose to attempt a 50-yard FG on 4th-and-1 rather than go for it. At best, Suisham has a 50% chance of making that kick, so I don’t understand the rationale.
  • T.O. toasted Shawn Springs all day long. Not for all of his 173 yards and 4 TDs, but for a lot of it. Also, to Owens’ credit, he didn’t try to intercept the hail mary at the end of the game, which surprised me. Update: The Post has more on this.
  • The Redskins defense was horrible on third down last year, and they were horrible on third down again today.
  • I’ve never seen a worse-snapping center than Andre Gurode. He put two over Romo’s head and was high out of the shotgun all day.
  • Speaking of snaps that went over Romo’s head, both bounced right into his hands. And another snap bounced off his facemask and directly into Barber’s arms as if they drew it up that way. The guy is charmed.
  • Aikman: “I think Clinton Portis is just terrific. He may be my favorite player in the National Football league.” Me too, Troy!
  • The Cowboys hats with the new school D look like Duke hats. I wanna set them on fire. Update: Deadspin has the clip.
  • Mike Sellers hurdled a bama. Didn’t know he had that in him.
  • Al Saunders’ playbook was wide open today, as evidenced by 55 pass attempts, including a halfback option followed by a fake reverse.
  • Shazzam Suisham makes me nervous, but he was three-for-three from inside 50 yards and even tackled the return man inside Dallas’ 40 on the opening kickoff.
  • To be fair, DeMarcus Ware got called for one of the worst roughing the passer calls ever.

Round 2 is at FedEx on December 30th. Let’s just hope it means something.

It’s Dallas Week. Or Something. Yay.

calvincrapsoncowboyssmall.jpgAs you can tell by the exactly zero amount of posts we’ve made about it being Dallas Week, we are so f’ing pumped!

Okay, so I’m being slightly sarcastic. It’s pretty difficult to get too excited about an imminent loss. Although the Skins can win if several things happen:

  1. We fight our guts out
  2. We play super smart
  3. Understand that up here, it’s physical
  4. Gibbs is given six timeouts per half.
  5. Sean Taylor, Santana Moss, Jon Jansen, Carlos Rogers, Randy Thomas all play
  6. Calvin covers the entire Cowboys team in fecal matter, thus rendering them useless.

Now, is there enough magic out there in the moonlight to make this dream come true (we love Field of Dreams lines)? ‘Tis times like these when I refer to the miracle that occurred in Dallas two years ago and answer, “Yes.”

But then I realize that miracles are bullshit and we’re gonna lose something like 48-13. Then I’ll say things like, “Yeah, well just wait ’til you have to play in our house!” Because no one, and I mean no one, comes into our house and pushes us around. Until inside the two minute warning. But hey, leading for 58 minutes is better than leading for 57 minutes, right?

Oh whatever, just look at Calvin shitting on Dallas. That’s funnier than truck nuts.

Update: I Hate Dallas” to the tune of that hot-ass Fity Cent track. Note the use of the word “bamas” in the lyrics. You have no clue how difficult it is trying to explain to people in Charlotte what “bama” means.

Emmitt Smith Is No Sea Captain

As horrible as Emmitt is on the ‘MNF’ pre and post game nonsense, he is totally the best part of the program. The others are either annoying (“Boom,” Keyshawn, etc.) or boring (Steve Young), but with Emmitt you just never know what kind of dumb shit you’re gonna get. Tonight — thanks to Awful Announcing — we have yet another hilarious example:

And I bet until the end you thought the unintentional punchline here was going to be Emmitt saying that Driver makes plays not only for himself, but for his family.

Now you must excuse me. I have to go right-size my outfit for my first big day of work at tomorrow (yes mom, I’ll take photos).

Romo Loves Him Some (Sophia) Bush

sophiabush.jpgWhen we learned last week that Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood were so totally dunzo because Tony loves football too much, I assumed it was a nice way of Carrie confirming that Romo prefers the company of men. Of course, I was wrong. It seems that Romo is now seeing someone named Sophia Bush:

At Terence Newman’s house in Dallas, Romo played the new Xbox 360 game “Guitar Hero III” with actress Carmen Electra, who was playing the game online in Los Angeles. Romo was joined by what appears to be a new … uh … friend, actress Sophia Bush.

I had not previously heard of this Sophia Bush, so naturally I turned to Google image search. And as expected, I’m now totally obsessed with her and completely jealous (again) of Romo. Why can’t Drew Bledsoe still be the Cowboys QB? There was absolutely no redeeming qualities about that guy, other than the fact that he sucked. Which was good for us.

Skins Lose: This Will Cheer Fans Up

The Skins lost yet another game that they should’ve won because catching/holding onto the ball doesn’t interest the players, and managing the clock is obviously a waste of time. I hate Santana Moss and Joe Gibbs right now. But I do, for the first time ever, not hate the Patriots. As Skins fans, we can really appreciate the bizarre joy expressed in this video:

Dropping Wes Welker earlier this week was a great idea.

T.O.: The First Ever to Wear No. 81

It’s been awhile since T.O. reminded us of how arrogant he his. Luckily, he decided yesterday that he wasn’t getting enough attention (probably because he’s not having a good season), and posted the following sign in his locker, which you’ve surely seen by now:

Aside from the three grammatical mistakes that I spotted, allow us to review his use of the word “original.” The definition is as follows:

1. belonging or pertaining to the origin or beginning of something, or to a thing at its beginning.
2. new; fresh; inventive; novel.
3. arising or proceeding independently of anything else

Surely, wearing a jersey with the number 81 on it is none of the above. In fact, just off the top, here are three other players not named Moss who are better than Owens and wore #81 before him: Torry Holt, Tim Brown and Art Monk. Oh, and lest we forget Russ Francis.

But yeah, I’m gonna get my popcorn ready for when New England merks on them fools this Sunday. Dallas hasn’t been f’ed this bad since last time Debbie was in town.

Update: Definition of “merk” for all the white boys in the house.

Observe the Most Masculine Cowboy

Let me preface this by saying my good friend Mike prefers the company of women (I think). Okay, now that the legalities are out of the way, here is what happens when a Cowboys fan gets drunk off red wine the joy of not losing to a one win team on MNF:


See, what had happened was Mike bought this Michael Irvin throwback jersey, but it was way too long and he’s not gangster enough for that. So he had it hemmed up. Apparently, the tailor thought he was going back in time to play for the 1989 Florida Gators with his good friend Emmitt Smith.

Unfortunately, we did not get a photo of his ride, which was tied up right outside.

Young ‘Skins Fan Has Message For Dallas

I realize we’re reaching a bit of Redskins overload in the last few days here, but that’s what we know best, so get used to it. Besides, this video is one that any NFL fan can appreciate, because let’s face it: Every American can’t stand the Cowboys. Except Cowboys fans, but I don’t consider Texas part of America. Now observe this cute little boy:

The alphabet and long division can wait. Teaching our kids the importance of hating Dallas should be top priority in every household.