It is going to be a very big night in D.C. sports. There’s Caps-Penguins Game 7, Wiz-Celtics Game 5, and Nationals-Orioles for third screen viewing. In order to help you navigate all of this, here’s a handy guide for planning out the day.
The times are based on science, which shows that the average NHL game is 2:21 and the average NBA playoff game is 2:40.
— 3 PM. Leave work early, start drinking. You’ve put in almost a full day, and let’s be honest: Your anxiety over another D.C. sports disappointment has left you useless to your employer today anyhow.
— 4 PM. If you still have it on your DVR, re-watch the third period of Caps Game 6 and the second half of Wizards Game 4. It will fill you with positive thoughts. They can do this, you’ll stupidly think. They’re both gonna win tonight.
— 6 PM. You need to go ahead and eat something. You’ve been drinking for awhile, and once the Caps game starts, food will be the furthest thing from your mind.
— 7 PM. Turn on the Nationals-Orioles game for some pre-game distraction. Make sure you’re on MASN2 so you don’t have to hear FP and Carpenter. You’re in no mood for their bullshit tonight.
— 7:30 PM. Alright, time to flip to NBC Sports. Shit is about to get real. Pour four fingers of bourbon.
— 7:40 PM. The puck drops on Game 7. They can do this
— 8:16 PM. It’s the first intermission with the Caps up 6-0. Flip to TNT where the Wizards and Celtics have just tipped off.
— 8:33 PM. The Wiz are up big early, second period of hockey is about to start so get back to NBC Sports.
— 9:09 PM. It’s the second intermission with the Caps up 11-0. There are still about 13 minutes before halftime of the Wizards, so get back to TNT and see if Isaiah Thomas has found a D.C. fan in Boston to fight yet.
— 9:22 PM. It’s halftime of the Wizards game and they lead by 22. You have about four minutes until the third period of the Caps game starts. Use it wisely.
— 9:26 PM. The third period is underway. You’re drunk and happy.
— 10:02 PM. The final horn sounds. The Caps are onto the Conference Finals after winning 14-2. Or they lost a heartbreaker 4-3 in the final seconds. Could go either way, really. Change it back to TNT.
— 10:50 PM. The Wizards win and take a 3-2 series lead. Or they lost on a Thomas dagger. You never can tell.
— 11 PM. Go to bed, fall asleep watching the Nationals’ bullpen blow a 9th inning lead then lose in extra innings.
