Hire Danny Smith (GUEST POST)

Michael McElroy (@mikeyvanilli) won our Predictions contest yet again, so he gets another guest post. We don’t endorse this whatsoever!

This post may be the most un-Mr.Irrelevant post ever submitted. Actually, scratch that, some dude was just writing about how much he loved the Cowboys, so I think I’m safe.

Either way, the Skins should hire Danny Smith, and this is why: The Skins have tried just about every type of head coaching hire in the Dan Snyder era. Let’s recap:

1. The “Interim Coach”

Poor Terry Robiskie wasn’t HC long enough for me to write a full sentence abo

2. The “Old School Coach”

Marty Schottenheimer was a mean man who made his players run extra laps at the end of practice and scary stuff like that. He was like Tom Coughlin before Tom Coughlin became the fun-grandpa that he is today. But Marty picked on the greatest Redskin of the past 20 years and for that most of us will hate him forever.

3. The “College Legend”

Steve Spurrier brought us the Fun & Gun, which seemed like it was gonna be really awesome, until we realized that Spurrier’s “gun” was kind of like wielding a dollar-store water pistol when all of your friends have super-soakers.

4. The “Return to Glory”

Two moments will always stick with me as a young D.C. sports fan. I will always remember where I was when I found out that Michael Jordan was hired to help run the Wizards, and when I heard that Gibbs would be returning to coach the Redskins. And they both worked out … kind of … if you consider playoff-type situations to be working out. Either way, we can’t go this route again because none of our other great coaches are alive anymore.

5. The “Guru Coordinator”

Ok, so “coordinator” may be a bit of a misnomer here, but I think Jim Zorn was technically the team’s OC for a few weeks. Unfortunately, all of the slip ‘n’ slides in the world couldn’t keep Jason Campbell from looking like an octopus falling out of a tree when he slid, and no bingo-callers could help Zorny choose the right plays on Sunday, so, nice guy that he was, he was a failure.

6. The “Veteran Head Coach”

In Denver, Mike Shanahan was a solid coach who won Super Bowls and collected 1,000-yard running backs like Pogs. With us, well, he found a pretty great Slammer in Alfred Morris, but not quite as many Super Bowl wins. Oh, and he broke RGIII. Go fishing with your son, motherf***er!

So that brings us to lucky No. 7. In my opinion, we’ve tried nearly type of head coach, every type except …

The Special Teams Expert!

Danny Smith:

A) Seems like a nice guy. (Shanny seemed like a D-bag.)

B) Is good at clock management. (Reports always said that he was in charge of clock management for Zorn and Shanny.)

C) Actually wants to be here, which is crazy, because why would anyone want to coach this franchise?

So that’s why I, a random Skins fan whose opinion is probably in no way reflected by the editors of Mr. Irrelevant, am endorsing Danny Smith for Head Coach ’14.

Oh wait, it has just come to my attention that Danny Smith drew up this play. I take it all back.

6 thoughts on “Hire Danny Smith (GUEST POST)”

  1. The Chiefs’ special teams coach is actually considered a potential head coach hire for someone who’s willing to think outside the box. This is his first year with them – he ran the Bears special teams for about a decade before. I could get behind that. Get Ken Norton Jr. from Seattle to coach the D, bring back Norv as your OC. Done. Thank me later.

  2. “B) Is good at clock management. (Reports always said that he was in charge of clock management for Zorn and Shanny.)”

    How can write these two sentences and not have your brain melt under the dissonance?

  3. “Oh wait, it has just come to my attention that Danny Smith drew up this play. I take it all back.”

    Previous commend rescinded. I AM A MORON.

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