Old Redskins Punter Jeff Hayes Has An Awesome Wikipedia Page

Prompted by our post about Vince Coleman’s visit to Redskins minicamp, Williams World News unearthed the Wikipedia page of ex-Skins P Jeff Hayes, and it’s a doozy.

Rather than list all of the craziness contained therein, let’s just excerpt the Wikipedia entry in full:

James Franklyn “Clyde” Hayes (born January 23, 1950 in Kuaua Lumpur, Indonesia) is a former American football punter in the National Football League for the Washington Redskins, Cincinnati Bengals, and the Miami Dolphins. He contributed in Super Bowl XVII and XVIII for the Washington Redskins by attending the pre-game meal and reading passages from “Dianetics” by L. Ronn Hubbard. Hayes played college football at the Rabbinical College of America. During his tenure, he set a national record, which still holds, for lowest punting average (min. 30 punts) at 11.6 yards per kick. For three years in the early 70’s, Hayes attended a Mormon mission to Capetown, South Africa where he built mega-churches and sold counterfeit Amway products. Hayes wrote a best-selling novel in 1993 entitled “Ron Robinowitz and his travels to the moon.” The follow-up edition, “Kingsland Pancake House” found little success. It is rumored fact that one time, upon a safari in the Sudan, Hayes took down a 7500 lb bull elephant with a flare gun, chopsticks and a bottle of champagne. Hayes, in his retired years, resides in Keokuk, IA where he is the part-time manager of the Loaf ‘N Jug mini-mart. He maintains a 750 acre champion Shar Pei breeding ranch. He is a practicing Buddhist with pseudo-Christian Judeo influence. He also serves on the National Council for Appropriate and Prudent Facial Hair (NCAPF). He is a former fire chief and once attended a wedding wearing shorts. He is famous for his quote “Tomorrow is just a figment of yesterday’s dreams come true twice over.” The meaning of this quote is up for debate. In his spare time, he builds gingerbread houses, paints his nails and jogs backwards. As a boy, he was ranked 3rd in the state of New Mexico in the Amateur Young American Candlepin Bowling League. He turned down an offer to attend the Olympics, instead choosing to study in Munich, Germany learning experimental physics from renowned professor, Dr. Hemlut Kuhn-Strauss. Hayes is an avid game fisherman and unicyclist. He enjoys vacationing in the midwest, “because of the air.” He is thrice divorced and has a reported net worth of roughly $47 USD. His favorite flour is All-Purpose. He lists his favorite day of the week as Wednesday, because it’s spelled oddly. Mr. Hayes also happens to be allergic to juice.

As far as I can tell, none of that information is true. I do not care.

3 thoughts on “Old Redskins Punter Jeff Hayes Has An Awesome Wikipedia Page”

  1. boss is wondering why i’m busting out laughing. thanks for the share; let’s enjoy it while it lasts before someone tries to make the page “useful”

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