Looking at Who to Root for in the Playoffs Through Burgundy-Tinted Lenses

I have consulted with the experts and bad news, you guys: The Skins aren’t gonna make the playoffs this year. So, as we did last year, here is a handy guide that should help you figure out your rooting interests during the postseason. They’re sorted from least to most likable.

Steelers. I would root for the Giants in a Pittsburgh-New York Super Bowl. This is how much a hate the Steelers.

Giants. The only good thing about another NFC East team in the playoffs is that it gives you a clear-cut rooting interest: Whoever they’re playing. Unless it’s the Steelers.

Patriots. At least Chad Ochocinco has given them a speck of rootability. I actively root against every other person on that team, and its entire we-were-here-all-along-we-swear fanbase.

Ravens. I’m not totally certain why I dislike the Ravens, but I think it’s probably out of jealousy.

Falcons. The vanilla ice cream of the 2012 playoffs. There is nothing interesting about this team, but also nothing to really root against.

Packers. Watching their offense is incredibly entertaining, but they need to share the wealth a little. <—OBAMACARE.

Saints. Ditto for the Saints. But New Orleans is a lot cooler than Green Bay.

49ers. Yes, Jim Harbough is kind of a dick, and S.F. has had more than its fair share of glory in the past, but it’s hard to root against the up-and-comer with a shitty QB and a dominating defense.

Broncos. Let’s talk about Tim Tebow. I hated Tebow in college, which carried over to me hating him in Denver. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately (serious, A LOT; I have no hobbies): Why do I hate him? The hyper-religious stuff is annoying for sure, and the Florida Gator thing didn’t help. But I’ve realized the last couple months that he is really fun to watch. Granted, the media coverage is mind-numbing, but if you can block all that shit out for the three hours Denver plays, it’s a pretty fun experience. Not because he’s particularly exciting or “good” as a quarterback, but because he’s something different and somewhat inexplicable.

So maybe I don’t hate Tebow at all. Maybe I’m actually rooting for him. I know I’m rooting for him against the Steelers. And if he takes out Pittsburgh, maybe he’ll win me over for good …

Anyway, good talk. Felt like we may have had a breakthrough there, you guys. Let’s move on.

Texans. I just enjoy the prospect of watching a third string, fifth-round rookie QB not screw up the Super Bowl hopes of a team with arguable the best running game and defense in the entire playoffs field.

Bengals. Despite making the playoffs twice since 2005, this franchise has endured a lot of sadness. They went 16 straight seasons in the 90’s-00’s without a 10-win season and didn’t make the playoffs from 1991-2004. Sadness is something we can relate to. Besides, A.J. Green is really great television.

Lions. Let’s see: a loyal, diehard fanbase suffering through 10 years of ineptitude since 2000 because of a dysfunctional front office and horrible personnel moves? Sound familiar? Rooting for the Lions is rooting for hope. If they turn it around, so can we. (No we can’t, but it’s a heartwarming thought.)

11 thoughts on “Looking at Who to Root for in the Playoffs Through Burgundy-Tinted Lenses”

  1. Wow, you nailed it. I’d maybe have the packers and saints a little higher (sharing the wealth, and upsets are fun). But still, I’m amazed at how close this is to my list/reasoning. Probably why I read Mr. I.

  2. I’m pulling for the Ravens because it’s the closest we’ll come to a title coming to DMV for a while. Also they beat the Steelers twice which makes me smile.

    “I would root for the Giants in a Pittsburgh-New York Super Bowl. This is how much a hate the Steelers.” Ditto.

  3. Spot on. I’m always tricked into rooting for Green Bay/Rodgers just because I hate Brett Favre so much, until the camera shows Green Bay fans in the stands and I become enraged.

    Also it’s a three-way tie for last between Pats-Steelers-Giants. Not sure I could root for either one over the other.

  4. Mine is: Patriots Steelers Ravens Giants Packers Saints Falcons Texans Lions 49ers Bengals Broncos

    I actually hate those AFC powerhouses more than I hate the Giants for some reason.

    I passed on various Lions in our dynasty fantasy football league draft, so I’ve been subconsciously rooting against them (that’s a football sin, I know). Still a good turnaround story though.

    I would LOVE to see the Broncos go to the Super Bowl. The media supernova would be fascinating, but this would be an even greater triumph of hope. By far the crappiest playoff team, which barely sputtered into the playoffs, somehow downing traditional powers? Makes you think any season could be THE season for any team.

  5. I’m rooting for…..

    1) Tebow and the Broncos. I love underdog stories and the fact that everyone hates him because he’s religious.

    2) Bengals because it’s the Bengals and lol having them in the Super Bowl. Would be awesome.

    3) Packers-Patriots Super bowl matchup. I don’t like either team but I’ll be damned if this wasn’t the most kickass Super Bowl matchup in quite sometime.

  6. Chris,
    You make an absolutely great point about Detroit. People forget just how bad they were (0-16) and have been since, basically, the 1950’s. Matt Millen was ALMOST (I said almost) as bad as Vinny. Joey Harrington is like our Heath Shuler. Heck, their GM is even a former Redskin- Martin “let me give the WR a 10 yd cushion off the line” Mayhew.

  7. I’m rooting for games played outdoors on grass. So, I guess that means 49ers, Packers and Broncos. I still don’t know why the Ravens or Patriots have rugs.

  8. This proves my theory about 90% of the population (myself included): 1) Teams that beats my team are a-holes 2) So are their fans 3) The fans of any team that has one more than one championship recently are a bunch of insufferable a-holes

    I am a Steeler fan and despite the fact that the Packers beat us in the Super Bowl, I respect their fine play and was gracious in defeat Packer fans that I knew. That said, if they do it again, they are a-holes, their fans are a-holes and their city is dump.

  9. I know it’s against dogma to root for a division rival, but we beat the Giants twice this year, and I somehow feel that every Giants playoff victory is, by the transitive property, a Redskins victory.

    ^This is the extent of the psychosis that has set in for Redskins fans. Mother of God…

  10. I know this is old, and the Falcons are out of the playoffs. But here’s a reason for actively rooting against the Falcons:


    Mike Smith, their coach has no class. He hit D. Hall after Hall tried to STOP a brawl on the Falcons sideline from escalating in an incident stemming from a Landry late hit on Ryan.

    You don’t have to worry about them ever actually winning a Super Bowl with him at the helm, because he gets out-coached like a motha in the playoffs by more cerebral coaches, but you just can’t allow yourself to root for a team with this little class.

    Speaking of class and the Falcons, when was the last time they had it? Not when we whooped Glanville in the playoffs and he refused to shake Gibbs’ hand. (am I the only person who was at that game who actually has his cushion? My pops wouldn’t let me throw it, and now I’m glad that I have it) And not when they let ol’ Ron Mexico run the town.

    That’s why you don’t root for the Falcons. They always have been and always will be gigantic gaping assholes.

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