I have consulted with the experts and bad news, you guys: The Skins aren’t gonna make the playoffs this year. So, as we did last year, here is a handy guide that should help you figure out your rooting interests during the postseason. They’re sorted from least to most likable.
Steelers. I would root for the Giants in a Pittsburgh-New York Super Bowl. This is how much a hate the Steelers.
Giants. The only good thing about another NFC East team in the playoffs is that it gives you a clear-cut rooting interest: Whoever they’re playing. Unless it’s the Steelers.
Patriots. At least Chad Ochocinco has given them a speck of rootability. I actively root against every other person on that team, and its entire we-were-here-all-along-we-swear fanbase.
Ravens. I’m not totally certain why I dislike the Ravens, but I think it’s probably out of jealousy.
Falcons. The vanilla ice cream of the 2012 playoffs. There is nothing interesting about this team, but also nothing to really root against.
Packers. Watching their offense is incredibly entertaining, but they need to share the wealth a little. <—OBAMACARE.
Saints. Ditto for the Saints. But New Orleans is a lot cooler than Green Bay.
49ers. Yes, Jim Harbough is kind of a dick, and S.F. has had more than its fair share of glory in the past, but it’s hard to root against the up-and-comer with a shitty QB and a dominating defense.
Broncos. Let’s talk about Tim Tebow. I hated Tebow in college, which carried over to me hating him in Denver. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately (serious, A LOT; I have no hobbies): Why do I hate him? The hyper-religious stuff is annoying for sure, and the Florida Gator thing didn’t help. But I’ve realized the last couple months that he is really fun to watch. Granted, the media coverage is mind-numbing, but if you can block all that shit out for the three hours Denver plays, it’s a pretty fun experience. Not because he’s particularly exciting or “good” as a quarterback, but because he’s something different and somewhat inexplicable.
So maybe I don’t hate Tebow at all. Maybe I’m actually rooting for him. I know I’m rooting for him against the Steelers. And if he takes out Pittsburgh, maybe he’ll win me over for good …
Anyway, good talk. Felt like we may have had a breakthrough there, you guys. Let’s move on.
Texans. I just enjoy the prospect of watching a third string, fifth-round rookie QB not screw up the Super Bowl hopes of a team with arguable the best running game and defense in the entire playoffs field.
Bengals. Despite making the playoffs twice since 2005, this franchise has endured a lot of sadness. They went 16 straight seasons in the 90’s-00’s without a 10-win season and didn’t make the playoffs from 1991-2004. Sadness is something we can relate to. Besides, A.J. Green is really great television.
Lions. Let’s see: a loyal, diehard fanbase suffering through 10 years of ineptitude since 2000 because of a dysfunctional front office and horrible personnel moves? Sound familiar? Rooting for the Lions is rooting for hope. If they turn it around, so can we. (No we can’t, but it’s a heartwarming thought.)