The Worst Thing Ever Written

portis.jpgI’ve never heard of Adam Best, but after what he wrote for FOX Sports on Tuesday, it should officially be illegal for him to have thoughts ever again. His words, followed by my reactions to them:

Clinton Portis posted MVP-caliber numbers this past Sunday, but true MVPs don’t let their squads lose to the lowly St. Louis Lambs.

Lambs? Get it? See what he did there? ‘Cause lambs are less intimidating than rams. With wit like that, I can already tell this column is gonna be the awesomest.

By now, everybody’s heard Portis’ grumbling about his Washington Redskins not having their mind right heading into the Rams game, but the person who really needs to pay close attention to those comments is Clinton Portis himself.

So, are they the Lambs or Rams? This is getting confusing. And what you’re saying is that Portis is the only one on the team who didn’t have his mind right for the game? Okay, I’ll bite. Please explain.

I have a hard time swallowing this “Mr. Serious” spiel from Portis. After all, this is the guy who’s concocted more stupid characters than Eddie Murphy played in “Norbit.” This is the guy who once chuckled with Chris Samuels about Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring. This is the guy who once wore a Ric Flair-style gold title belt on the Denver Broncos’ sideline, despite not being the champion of anything I’m aware of.

The most recent event mentioned happened 20 months ago, included Norbit, which I can’t say I’m familiar with. Timely references, indeed. There’s a lot of bullshit to sift through here, but I think your point is that a player cannot be fun off the field and serious on the field. Which is fucking ridiculous. I’m quite certain that Clinton Portis takes football seriously.

Portis can run around in phony championship belts and play all the fake characters he wants, but until he displays some real character, his Skins aren’t going to win any real championships.

I’m not sure how you measure character on a football field, but if effort, passion and results have anything to do with it, Portis has as much of this character you speak of as any player in the league. And just to reiterate: Portis hasn’t worn phony belts or played any characters at all this entire season … or preseason … or 2008 calendar year.

Portis has six rushing TDs on the season and leads the league in both rushing attempts (136) and yards (643). Recently, he has been even more impressive, posting three consecutive 100-yard rushing performances. Portis also hasn’t fumbled yet this year and is a stud blocker in pass protection. But the Redskins need more — they need Portis to be their unquestioned leader.

What more can he do to be this “leader” you speak of, aside from the accomplishments you just mentioned? Should he be calling the plays in the huddle? Screaming at his teammates? I honestly have no fucking clue what “they need Portis to be their unquestioned leader” means, given what he does for this team where it counts: on the field.

Jim Zorn is a first-year coach who isn’t exactly Tom Coughlin when it comes to his temperament. Jason Campbell hasn’t done enough yet to be the true leader of that locker room. Mr. Taylor just got to Washington. Chris Cooley is too busy accidentally exposing himself on the Internet. If someone’s going to step up and be the face of the Redskins, it’s going to have to be you, Sheriff Gonnagetcha. What’s truly “gonnagetcha” team somewhere is you stepping up and becoming a leader. Portis should have let his teammates know they weren’t taking a desperate Rams team seriously enough.

Clearly, Adam Best has spent so much time in the Skins locker room that he can inform us of who is the leader in there and who isn’t. Also, the character was “Sheriff Gonna Getcha” … and it was retired THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO.

If Portis had stepped up, assumed a larger leadership role and talked some sense into his teammates before or even during the game — for instance, when Marcus Washington went all “8 Seconds” and celebrated a routine play against a league laughingstock — I wouldn’t be writing this right now. Santana Moss’s brutal two weeks wouldn’t have mattered. Pete Kendall getting all young Tiki Barber with the pigskin? Wouldn’t have mattered. None of it would have mattered, because the Redskins would have won that game.

You actually think that Clinton Portis, an offensive player, should’ve called out Marcus Washington, a defensive player, on the sidelines in the middle of the game for celebrating a play? If that type of shit is what would make Portis a leader, then please Clinton, remain a follower … or whatever it is Adam Best thinks you currently are.

Portis can come out and give us all the lip service he wants, but if he led half as well as he played last week the Burgundy and Gold would be sitting pretty in the NFC East right now. Instead, the Redskins pulled an even bigger Week 6 choke-job than the rival Dallas Cowboys and New York Giants did. Coach Janky Spanky can keep making excuses for his team, but until he truly steps up and becomes the man in D.C. he’ll be Christian Slater (he’s still alive?) — his own worst enemy. If he does step up, I can see him winning the MVP award and carrying his team deep into the playoffs.

A Coach Janky Spanky and Christian Slater reference in the same sentence? Jesus. I give up.

(Found via Riggo’s Rag)

14 thoughts on “The Worst Thing Ever Written”

  1. Is “Adam Best” a Colin Cowherd pseudonym? Or maybe just an ambitious intern?

    If it’s the latter, then I’m thinking Basic Instinct type manlove here. Cowherd might want to go home and throw away all of his icepicks.

  2. Funny that I saw this article, read about 2 paragraphs and then stopped when I realized the guy was an idiot. Now reading mostly the whole thing I agree with my initial thoughts. Adam Best is a fucking idiot.

  3. Just so we’re clear: This was the entire article. I didn’t splice it up to make it appear any more moronic than it already was.

    I’m pretty sure Best, who is a Chiefs fan and therefor an outsider, basically used this formula to pen this piece of shit: Portis did characters three years ago + The Skins lost to a horrible team on Sunday = Portis needs to be more of a leader. Makes perfect sense.

  4. He’s clearly jealous that his team, the Chiefs, is the bootleg version of our Redskins. If he wants to talk running backs who “don’t do enough” let’s examine his boy Larry Johnson who just racked up his third assault charge on a female. What a fucking turd burgaler. Guys like this are why MEN like Sean Taylor don’t trust the media. And should they really? No.

    Clinton has got to be one bitter motherfucker at this point. He’s having a career year and guys who are supposed to be cheering for him (Brian Mitchell) and guys who have no fucking clue (Adam Best) keep taking shots at him.

    This sounds like an article written by Adam WEST. And I mean the cartoon version from Family Guy, not the original from Batman.

    “We must stop the plants, they’re stealing all of our water!”

  5. This is one of my least favorite sports writing cliches.

    It is normally written by a sports writer who could not draw the X’s an O’s of any basic football play so he relies on misguided, Patton-inspired, top-down macho bullshit.

    “Maybe _________ shouldn’t spend so much time _____(insert leisure activity)______ and should spend more time ___(macho football activity)_____.”


    Professional Athletes are supposed to spend 16 hours a day practicing their sport and eight hours resting and that’s it?


  6. If you want to talk about a stud RB who needs to ‘step up’- stick to your own team, Mr Best.

    Portis for MVP.

    And Chris, he really twisted the knife with that Slater diss at the end, huh? Kuffs Rules!!!!1!

  7. My eyes are bleeding.

    I do not even root for the Skins but this guy is a complete jack ass and made me want to defend the skins. I have been impressed by CP and he has been ballin all season. This is the NFL, any team can lose to anyone, no matter the spread.

    I have little respect for any entity owned by Rupert Murdoch.

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