Oh Happy Day: Clinton’s New Characters!

The headline here is a bit misleading, as it’s actually the NFL that’s creating and debuting four new Portis characters, but still, as Steinz says, it’s June. Follow the link for bios on all four, video of Rich Eisen speaking with each and a poll giving the people the power to choose which Portis will personify at some point this season, or something.

Thoughts on the quartet are down below. First though, note the resemblance between one of Clinton’s new cast members and me, dressed as a Wizznut:


Uncanny. OK, onto reviewing the alter egos …

portis-bud-foxx.jpgBud Foxx

Basically, it’s Portis wearing a Nacho Libre mask. I don’t know, there might be a fake mustache involved too. Somehow, this is currently the leading vote-getter.

And since I’m filling space so that the formatting isn’t all screwed up, check out MJD’s top 11 NFL mustaches of all time. It’s fantastic.


Dr. Do Itch Big

Probably the most Portis-ian of the new names, but Dr. I Don’t Know’s already been done, and to great effect I might add. Similarly, the oversized glasses are Kid Bro Sweets’ thing.

Making up for that lack of orginality is the wonderful storyline about doing Michael Strahan and Marshawn Lynch’s dental work.



Terrible name, great shirt (“Off the Grid Is Off the Chain”). And, again, the Zoro mask thing is a straight rip from Southeast Jerome.

These NFL people, despite good intentions, are really starting to piss me off. When you work with a master of the art form, you don’t insult him by neglecting his body of work.

portis-yah-mon.jpgPrime Minister Yah Mon

Visually, Yah Mon is the most stunning, and probably has the richest storyline (he’s running for president, y’all!).

And if the hat doesn’t do it for you, the Dumbo ears clinch it. Plus, he kind of reminds me of Lil Wayne.

So, despite another terrible name, Yah Mon gets my vote.

How about you?

3 thoughts on “Oh Happy Day: Clinton’s New Characters!”

  1. Honestly man, this made me laugh significantly more than the video.

    Just looking at the photos, independently of Rich Eisen, I feel like Clinton’s still in on these. And I think your analysis is dead on. It’s possible that you’re the world’s foremost expert on Clinton’s Characters.

    The accent is the thing that ruins Yah Mon for me. Zoro mask aside, “Off the Grid is Off the Chain” wins it for me.

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