Tom Brady’s Hair: A Career Retrospective

Since it’s been established that I have a subconscious crush on the one known simply as Dreamboat, let’s go all the way with the most blatantly homosexual post ever made on Mr. Irrelevant. Needless to say, it will be awesome and test the outermost boundaries of my Blow Out knowledge.

In 10 parts, it’s a tribute to the great hair of the man who once advised, “Pay as much attention to your hair as to your suit.” Without further adieu, the different hairstylings of Tom Brady’s NFL career as revealed by Google Yahoo! image search …

tom-brady-male-model.jpgThe Male Model — Forget Unitas, Montana, Marino, Favre and definitely Manning (terrible hair), none of the all-time great quarterbacks holds a candle to Dreamboat on the catwalk. Just ask the musky marketing folks at Stetson Cologne.

Stubble? Check. Butt chin? Certainly. Pouty lips? Hell yes. Smoldering eyes? Oh yeah. Great hair? You bet your sweet ass it is. Take notes, Romo.

tom-brady-fashion-designer.jpgThe Fashion Designer — That’s going out on a limb right there. It says, “Hey, Dice-K, your fashion-forward follicles have inspired me, my Japanese friend.”

He must have been at a party that was attended by other ridiculously good looking guys. Guys like Jeter and A-Rod. Sadly, no one paid attention to their Yankee conformist locks that night, not in the shadow of this.

tom-brady-offshore-fisherma.jpgThe Offshore Fisherman — Now that’s a man’s look right there. The natural curls, the knit cap, the eye black, the neckbeard … it’s almost enough to make you forget about Fashion Designer Brady.

Honestly, if The Perfect Storm was made in ’07, I’d fully expect Brady to be right there alongside Clooney and Wahlberg, reeling in the deadliest catch and speaking in godawful tongues.

tom-brady-frat-boy.jpgThe Frat Boy — “Whoa, that Jager tastes like ass. Gimme some Red Bull! And a Marlboro Light!”

It’s hard to believe, but there was a time when Dreamboat didn’t know WTF was going on with his hair, however blessed it may be. He still had that red jersey though, bro, and you know what that means: hand’s off brother Brady, unless you want a brodown, bromigo, because Brody’s brotected.

tom-brady-military-man.jpgThe Military Grunt — Here’s the haircut we’d all have, if only we could pull it off. Unfortunately, most of us would look unfortunate. Not Brady.

Even with follicular brilliance shorn to the bud, he’s still on top of the world, as evidenced by the fact that I had to crop Bridget Moynahan out of this photo. Actually, scratch that. Brady traded down for Moynahan. He got her without even trying.

tom-brady-julius-caesar.jpgThe Julius Caesar — This one got me on Homecoming Court junior year (all the way back in ’94), which was a BFD at the time. It even worked for George Clooney during the ER era. Of course, neither of us has a thing on Julius Brady, especially not Clooney.

This is the Dreamboat by default, before Super Bowls and super models. And probably before $200 haircuts, personal shoppers, manis, pedis, etc.

tom-brady-junior-executive.jpgThe Junior Executive — There he is, the guy you want managing your money and proposing to your daughter, even if he’s doing dirty business on both fronts.

This head of hair says, “My watch is worth more than your car. My car is worth more than your boat. My boat is worth more than your house. My house, hell, my shoes are worth more than your whole life.”

tom-brady-40-year-old-virgi.jpgThe Adult Virgin — A lot of guys don’t care if they’re pale with a goofy smile. They don’t remember what day portraits are being taken and show up wearing a baseball cap, preferably fitted, and definitely backwards. Then they slick down their hair with water.

I was this guy in college, and it’s hard to believe Brady once had it in him to look like this. He probably learned it from watching Bledsoe.

tom-brady-sy-sperling.jpgThe Sy Sperling — I’ve got this theory about Brady’s hair, namely that he used regenerative growth product to cover up LeBron-esque male pattern baldness. It’s based on the fact that I think I saw a bald spot when he was on the sideline a few years back.

Then there’s pictures like this one, taken from his first Super Bowl. Just look at that hot receder action, action that’s nowhere to be found in ’07.

tom-brady-politico.jpgThe Politico — When Dubya took over, Brady was nothing but a glorified errand boy for real QBs like John Freisz. Now he’s handing off to Sammy Morris. It’s crazy how far he’s come.

It’s also crazy how he straight up owns that part. I mean, he’s walking the line, which you just don’t see the younger generation doing nowadays. He’s ready to lead us into the black with ferocity. Is it too late for Brady in ’08?

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