The Impartial Fan’s Guide to the Playoffs

indians-cover.jpgJust because you’re not a fan of these eight teams doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have rooting interests this October. So here’s the tutorial for figuring out which bandwagons to ride. 

It’s for those of us without skin in — or money on — the game, and believe me, as an O’s and Nats fan, I have some experience with this. Away we go ….

Phillies-Rockies NLDS: I have this thing about ’90s expansion teams winning the World Series. More specifically, I don’t like it. But even more loathsome are Philly fans, the insufferable douchebags (IDBs) that they are. So despite being down with a number of their players (see: Antonio Alfonseca), this is an easy pick. Here’s to our enemies’ enemies! Who to root for: Colorado.

Cubs-Diamondbacks NLDS: The only good thing about Arizona winning the World Series in ’01 is that it came at the expense of the Yankees. Other than that, I think we can all agree that a team with no history and/or fanbase should ever win a world championship. Also, can anyone name more than five D-backs? (Disclaimer: Orlando Hudson is tight.) Who to root for: Chicago.

Red Sox-Angels ALDS: I can’t believe I’m doing this, but Anaheim doesn’t need another World Series. Their stadium, it’s too Disney. Their fanbase, middling. Their time zone, late. (Sorry, Vlad.) Who to root for: Boston.

Indians-Yankees ALDS: As much as [insert media company here] loves it, a Sox-Yanks ALCS is too revolting to witness. Unless, of course, it forces all involved to realize that baseball needs a salary cap so that other teams (specifically those in the AL East) have a prayer. Who to root for: Cleveland.

Cubs-Rockies NLCS: Really, I just want to see as many playoff games at Wrigley as possible. Plus, Lou Piniella and Bill Murray are always nice. Who to root for: Chicago.

Red Sox-Indians ALCS: It’s at this point that we, as baseball fans, must turn on Red Sox Nation. Boston spends way too much money and their fans are far too caustic, plus we have a great alternative here in the Tribe. C.C. Sabathia and Travis Hafner are ready for their closeup, like we thought Cory Snyder and Joe Carter were back in ’87. Who to root for: Cleveland.

Cubs-Indians World Series: Tough call, but wouldn’t you rather live in a world where the Cubs are still loveable losers and Cleveland has known sporting glory? I would. Who to root for: Cleveland.

10 thoughts on “The Impartial Fan’s Guide to the Playoffs”

  1. I’d completely agree with you if it wasn’t for this:

    I can’t believe I’m doing this, but Anaheim doesn’t need another World Series. Their stadium, it’s too Disney.

    Do you really want every Masshole being a step closer to another World Series ring? I mean they’re already celebrating the Pawts’ Super Bowl Victory.

  2. do you know how insufferable Cubs fans will be if they win?

    Wilbon will wear his stupid Billy Williams jersey on PTI every day for a month.

    And you can’t root for Colorado because their management if full of creepy Bible thumpers.

    Let’s have a Cleveland/Arizona World Series.

  3. “creepy Bible thumpers”? I’m assuming you’re referring to the USA Today story, which no one in the Rockies’ organization solicited. And if they didn’t go grabbing at that writer’s shirttails asking for publicity about their faith, then what’s the problem with them saying they are Christians? What’s really offensive to me is that I think no one would have a problem if these guys were talking about the wonders of kabbalah.

  4. If they want their faith to remain a private matter then they probably shouldn’t go thanking god for allowing them to score the winning run. If he did exist I’m sure that he’d have more pressing matters to deal with.

    And yes, if they were talking about the wonders of kabbalah I would find it just as annoying. Luckily none of them are stupid enough to follow Madonna.

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